As I started this Spring semester at the University of Nevada I found everyday a struggle. I had recently been kicked out of my apartment by two of my closest "friends," my boyfriend broke up with me, and everything that I had relied on to make me happy was ripped out from under me. I found myself in a new apartment with pretty much a complete stranger, hundreds of miles from home, and for the first time in my life I felt homesick.
The days seemed to drag on and on. I would randomly burst into tears about every ten minutes, I was sad, and lonely and I tried everything (very recklessly) to try and make myself feel better, but nothing worked.
I had never experienced this kind of sadness before. I have always been a really happy person and never had a problem picking myself up, but this time, I just couldn't. I couldn't eat because my throat felt so tight that every time I tried to swallow I felt like I would throw up. I had a constant, wrenching pain in my stomach; it felt as if I had a hole there that throbbed with a constant aching pain all the time. The only thing that made this pain go away was running, but since I couldn't eat, that wasn't very effective. I felt dizzy all the time, and I was scared.
After a couple weeks of this, in early February, I was really nervous. I called my mom and asked her to please come and see me that weekend, thinking that this would definitely make me feel better. Although her presence and loving arms helped a little, I still didn't feel okay. When she left, everything went back to exactly how it was before, and I was miserable.
As everyone knows, when you break up with someone it is never a clean break, so for the first part of February my relationship went back and forth. I was torn apart by this roller-coaster ride of emotional ups & downs, never knowing who to trust, not even trusting myself. On February 19th my boyfriend broke up with me for the fourth time in one month--maybe that is my fault, but I was once again devastated. I was so hurt, and I felt rejected and alone.
I started wondering why I was even alive, I knew I was in school and I was getting good grades but I wondered what the point of any of it was. I felt like I was living in a whirlwind, nothing made sense, and everything felt completely out of control. My thoughts started to scare me... and so I offered up a simple prayer. I asked my Heavenly Father to please, please take this feeling away from me. To please allow me to let go of my ex-boyfriend, to strengthen me, and to comfort me. Every time I prayed I kept seeing the same thing in the back of my head. It was the Institute of Religion building on campus. I had driven by it and knew where it was, I think I even walked through there on a bad day when I first got to school, but I had never spent much time there. Every time I would pray I would get really angry that the feelings of sadness I was having would not go away, and that I kept seeing that s t u p i d building in my head! I would basically say to myself, "alright give me something else because I am not going there...I refuse."
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The Picture of Christ |
After a couple days of this--praying and getting the same answer--I decided to go. It was a Wednesday morning and I was sitting in my Core Humanities class with tears streaming down my face. I was counting the minutes down until my class was over and immediately I got out of my chair and headed for the institute building. It seemed that I couldn't get there fast enough, and as I opened the doors and stepped inside I knew why. I turned to my left, and there a giant picture of Christ hung on the wall above the couch in the foyer. Immediately that hopeless, sick, tormented feeling inside me just disappeared. I was left with a peace inside of my heart and a sure knowledge that everything would be okay.
To me, this was a bigger miracle than the parting of the Red Sea. I had tried tirelessly to lift myself up, to try and tell myself that everything would be okay, to comfort myself, and nothing worked. There was a power beyond my own that came into my heart and reassured me that everything would be okay, that everything was just as it should be, and that comforted me. I know that this comfort came from the Holy Ghost. I know that only he can offer that kind of peacefulness and calm to my soul, and at that moment I knew that everything I had been told my whole life about my Heavenly Father and His plan for us was true.
Then and there I decided that I would do anything to keep that peace in my heart. No sacrifice became too great, nothing else seemed more appealing than that simple peace I had received. I sat in the institute building for hours, no one knew me (and I am pretty sure they thought I was some psycho). I sat there as the tears kept pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I was so grateful that I could not stop crying, and I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to lose that peace. I ended up going to a class that day, and as we sang the opening hymn I couldn't utter one word without bursting into tears yet again. I don't remember what hymn it was, but I do remember it saying something about coming unto the Savior.
As I pondered the meaning of the words that were being sung, I started wondering if Christ was feeling as rejected by me as I was by my ex-boyfriend. Just as I was so willing to just be with him and love him, Christ has always been there, willing to forgive me of all my sins, to save me from my sorrows, and to let me feel of his unconditional, everlasting love for me. This thought made my heart hurt as I thought of all the times that I had let Him down, of all the people that I had hurt, of all the pain that my choices had brought to myself, and of the suffering that He had to bear for all of those moments when I was hurting. All my pain and heartbreak--He felt it, and it would not have ever existed if I had just simply followed God's plan for me.
Later that day I went home and called my mom. I cried as I told her how much I missed my ex-boyfriend, of how I didn't know what I was going to do without him...she only said to me, "Keisha, you just need to get your priorities straight. We had a lesson in family home evening about priorities on Monday and your first priority should always be to, 'First, seek ye the Kingdom of God.'" We had many conversations like this one, every time I complained about anything she would pretty much say something like this to me, so I threw some smart remark back at her and told her how I had gone to institute that day. She was a little impressed but she didn't let it get her hopes up since she had been struggling for two years to try and get me to do the right thing. She only said, "Remember Keisha, 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.' - Proverbs 3:5-6"
I was still upset, but I posted this verse as my status on Facebook. Right after I posted it Madison "liked" it...and then I suddenly remembered that for some reason I had been thinking about Madison a lot the past couple of weeks. It was strange because I hadn't seen her in two years, and we hadn't really kept in touch, even over Facebook. All of the sudden I had a very strong prompting that I needed to talk to her, so I messaged her my number and asked her to call me.
Not even five minutes later my phone started ringing and I knew that Madison was on the other line. I just remember her saying, "what's up babe?" and I immediately burst into tears. I preceded to tell her the details about my recently ended relationship and, and she told me of her own four year relationship and she had to let go of in order to do what she knew was right. We talked for hours and hours, and I told her all about that day and how I had felt. At the end of our conversation she basically said, "so what are you going to do about it?"
It was then that I decided I would call my bishop, I would make things right, and I would find my way back to the person I knew that I was. The very next day I talked to my bishop before I could talk myself out of it, and I started to change my direction. The entire life that I had built since I went to Reno had to change. I thought that it would be impossible, I didn't know anyone that went to church, I had to give up so much, and I didn't know if I could do it. I know now, without a doubt, that the Lord has provided ways for us to do the things that we need to do in order to be closer to him and do his work. Everything that happened to me helped to humble me so that I was in a place where I would seek Him. People that have come into my life and become a big part of it, particularly Madison, have been placed in my life for a very specific purpose.
My once "stranger" of a roommate became a good friend and she supported me in my decision to change my life. I know that if I had been living where I was before I would not have been in an environment where my change would have been accepted or supported.
The last three months have been hard, but I am happier than I have been since I can remember. I have found a new friend in Madison and because our friendship has been built upon the gospel, I can feel how much that strengthens it. I am learning that everything needs to be built upon the gospel if you want it to last.
I was raised with a great and empowering knowledge that I am a child of God who loves me, and I forgot that. I forgot that "I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission which I will strive to fulfill." My actions were not coherent with what I knew to be true about life, about God's plan, and about myself. I know that God watches over us and directs our paths. I know that if it were not for Him I would probably not be here right now, and I now know that His plan is the only one that can bring true and lasting peace and happiness.
I am excited to continually serve Him; to "take upon me the name of [His] son," and be a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am far from perfect. I have a lot left to do in this life, but I have a strong desire to follow Him. I know that Christ lives, I know that he loves us. I know that he died for the sins of the world that all may be saved if they believe on His name and are baptized. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children and that if we follow his plan we will be happy.