It is official. This is serious.

I was on the phone twice today and both times after being told "thank you," I responded not with you're welcome, but with some other nonchalant phrase. And in one case not even actual words but a NOISE. Mhmm?? When did that happen?


Am I that person with no manners that everyone kind of pauses after they speak to and thinks, okay... But then doesn't really say anything because we live in a world where manners aren't really expected anymore? That doesn't mean that they shouldn't be expected or taught, I will teach my kids to be polite and I thought I was polite. [Then again I thought I was a lot of things that other people seem to think I am not]. But anyway, back to the question. Am I that person!?


This is disconcerting to me. I want to express to people when I help them and get thanked for it that it really wasn't a big deal, that I love to serve others and help out. That their phone call didn't interrupt anything terribly important and I actually enjoyed our exchange on the phone even if it was just relaying information to them about the whereabouts of my parents. That they are welcome!

When did I stop saying you're welcome? 

And so, this is a new goal to add to my list: say "you're welcome" when someone tells you thank you.

I don't think that I ever would have thought of this as a problem, except today my great uncle Roger, who I adore, called the house. After a briefing of our activities for the day and promising him that I would give his message to my grandpa he said, "thank you, dear" and I said, "mhmm, bye." Hello!? This is my 80 something-year-old great uncle!? Who grew up in a time when you tipped your hats at ladies when they walked in a room, gave up your seat for any woman who was standing, opened every door for women--even if you didn't know them, and expected manners! I was so disappointed in myself.

Manners. Being polite. Being more thoughtful of the words that come out of my mouth--or lack thereof. Yes, let the challenge begin.

according to my iPhone.

softball games with nychea-tuesday

making shirts with oakley-tuesday night

midnight snack? yes.

flowers-wednesday morning

 volleyball open gym-wednesday night

 bendy straws at racks for lunch-thursday

 optics overload with mom-thursday

 red lips-friday

 "new socks. two socks. whose socks? sue's socks."-saturday

"the moon has won the war, the daylight waits to win.

stay here by my side, we'll watch the struggle start again."

short update on my week:

no letter. this is unfortunate for my family. i haven't been the happiest camper.

lots of time with oakley. gonna miss her so much.

forgot how much i love volleyball. i wanna play again.

school is coming so fast.

i really don't want to leave my family.

i love rural nevada and all its beautiful views.

looking forward to eleshia's wedding this weekend in utah.

can't wait to see jordan's family.

i still miss him.

It is so nice to know that I don't have to compete.
My worth is not measured by how many people call me their friend, by how many guys give me attention, or by what other people think of me.
It doesn't matter how cute my clothes are, or how nice of a car I drive.
I am here because I am a child of God and I know that He loves me & watches over me.
I am all I am because of my family. They love me no matter what, and they are great examples to me.
My bishop once gave me a blessing when I was going through a r e a l l y hard time and in it he said, "may you be blessed with a deeper concern for what your Father in Heaven thinks than what others do, and may your choices not be affected by what your peers think of you."
I know that if I strive to keep His commandments, His promises to me will be kept. I have sacred covenants to keep, and I have been promised blessings in return.
It is so nice to know that all I have to do is be myself. I don't have to try and impress people, I don't have to "win." I just have to be kind & loving, meek & mild, and God will take care of everything for me.
There is a great peace that comes with knowing that He has everything under control, that I don't have to worry about what anyone else is doing or saying, I just have to worry about me.
Am I pleasing the Lord? Am I doing my best?

I have been made a precious promise--one that I hold close to my heart; that love & marriage will come "at the appropriate time and place." This is a weight lifted off my shoulders. 
I don't have to chase, I just have to wait patiently. Quietly doing what I know is right. I just have to let go and let God deal with it.
‎As Neal A, Maxwell once said, "Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity."
In other words, not everyone will love me, but I can strive to love everyone.
And also, Jesus commanded that we love everyone, and treat them kindly too. So this is what I strive to do.
Charity never failleth, and I am not scared anymore. Actually, I'm fearless. Faith has made me fearless.
I don't love with walls, I don't question and second guess.
I no longer assume that I am lied to and deceived. 
I trust with an open heart, I love with all I have, and I know that if I am deceived, if I am lied to; it is not my battle to fight, not my case to prove.
So when you say, "I love you." I believe you. I trust you. And I love you too.
There is a part of "My Banner Will Be Clear" that I recite in my head often. It says,

 "I no longer need preeminence, positions, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded."

I know that the promises that have been made to me are real. I know that God lives. 

I don't claim to be perfect, and I still have days where I have to remind myself of what is important and try and forget about what is not. 

I refuse to feel angry or jealous. I refuse to be worried and troubled. All these negative emotions keep me from helping others and keep me concentrating on myself. There is no glory in self-pity. 

So I give up. You win.

Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different.  
- Katherine Mansfield

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS:

Sunday, June 18th

When I got home from Lava I had to drive straight out to work.  My shift was from 10pm-6am. I was less than excited. The whole time I was there I was wishing I had gotten to take a long nap that day. Sooo tired.

Thursday, June 23rd

I had to go to the dentist and I had 4 hours of work done on me... Not fun. I was pretty upset and it sucked so bad being numb all that time after. And to top it off we drove all the way to Reno from the ranch and back overnight to do it. Not a fun trip.

Saturday, June 25th

Not a fun day for me. At all. :(

Sunday, June 26th

Ahhh. Sunday at last!! I never knew how much I was missing by not going to church every week. I feel so much more fulfilled by going, and I am constantly reminded of how much I have and how much I take for granted. Sunday, while I sat in church I realized that I can't continue to look at the bad things in every situation.  I looked back on things that happened and found myself concentrating on everything that went wrong, and everything that didn't happen, instead of dwelling on the things that I loved, and all the fun stuff that did happen.

Sunday I made a resolution to be more positive.  I decided that I needed to make a greater effort to look on the bright side.   If you have negative thoughts, you attract negative feelings and experiences, and I was sick of it.  So now, I keep a smile on my face, I keep my heart light, and I keep my focus forward. Part of living the gospel is trusting that the Lord really does know what is best and really will take care of you.  As long as you are doing what you are supposed to be, things will always be okay.

As I started this Spring semester at the University of Nevada I found everyday a struggle.  I had recently been kicked out of my apartment by two of my closest "friends," my boyfriend broke up with me, and everything that I had relied on to make me happy was ripped out from under me.  I found myself in a new apartment with pretty much a complete stranger, hundreds of miles from home, and for the first time in my life I felt homesick.

The days seemed to drag on and on.  I would randomly burst into tears about every ten minutes, I was sad, and lonely and I tried everything (very recklessly) to try and make myself feel better, but nothing worked.

I had never experienced this kind of sadness before.  I have always been a really happy person and never had a problem picking myself up, but this time, I just couldn't.  I couldn't eat because my throat felt so tight that every time I tried to swallow I felt like I would throw up.  I had a constant, wrenching pain in my stomach; it felt as if I had a hole there that throbbed with a constant aching pain all the time.  The only thing that made this pain go away was running, but since I couldn't eat, that wasn't very effective.  I felt dizzy all the time, and I was scared. 

After a couple weeks of this, in early February, I was really nervous. I called my mom and asked her to please come and see me that weekend, thinking that this would definitely make me feel better.  Although her presence and loving arms helped a little, I still didn't feel okay.  When she left, everything went back to exactly how it was before, and I was miserable.

As everyone knows, when you break up with someone it is never a clean break, so for the first part of February my relationship went back and forth.  I was torn apart by this roller-coaster ride of emotional ups & downs, never knowing who to trust, not even trusting myself.  On February 19th my boyfriend broke up with me for the fourth time in one month--maybe that is my fault, but I was once again devastated.  I was so hurt, and I felt rejected and alone.

I started wondering why I was even alive, I knew I was in school and I was getting good grades but I wondered what the point of any of it was. I felt like I was living in a whirlwind, nothing made sense, and everything felt completely out of control. My thoughts started to scare me... and so I offered up a simple prayer.  I asked my Heavenly Father to please, please take this feeling away from me.  To please allow me to let go of my ex-boyfriend, to strengthen me, and to comfort me.  Every time I prayed I kept seeing the same thing in the back of my head.  It was the Institute of Religion building on campus.  I had driven by it and knew where it was, I think I even walked through there on a bad day when I first got to school, but I had never spent much time there.  Every time I would pray I would get really angry that the feelings of sadness I was having would not go away, and that I kept seeing that s t u p i d building in my head! I would basically say to myself, "alright give me something else because I am not going there...I refuse."

The Picture of Christ

After a couple days of this--praying and getting the same answer--I decided to go.  It was a Wednesday morning and I was sitting in my Core Humanities class with tears streaming down my face.  I was counting the minutes down until my class was over and immediately I got out of my chair and headed for the institute building. It seemed that I couldn't get there fast enough, and as I opened the doors and stepped inside I knew why. I turned to my left, and there a giant picture of Christ hung on the wall above the couch in the foyer. Immediately that hopeless, sick, tormented feeling inside me just disappeared.  I was left with a peace inside of my heart and a sure knowledge that everything would be okay.

To me, this was a bigger miracle than the parting of the Red Sea. I had tried tirelessly to lift myself up, to try and tell myself that everything would be okay, to comfort myself, and nothing worked.  There was a power beyond my own that came into my heart and reassured me that everything would be okay, that everything was just as it should be, and that comforted me.  I know that this comfort came from the Holy Ghost. I know that only he can offer that kind of peacefulness and calm to my soul, and at that moment I knew that everything I had been told my whole life about my Heavenly Father and His plan for us was true.

Then and there I decided that I would do anything to keep that peace in my heart.  No sacrifice became too great, nothing else seemed more appealing than that simple peace I had received. I sat in the institute building for hours, no one knew me (and I am pretty sure they thought I was some psycho). I sat there as the tears kept pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I was so grateful that I could not stop crying, and I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to lose that peace.  I ended up going to a class that day, and as we sang the opening hymn I couldn't utter one word without bursting into tears yet again.  I don't remember what hymn it was, but I do remember it saying something about coming unto the Savior.

As I pondered the meaning of the words that were being sung, I started wondering if Christ was feeling as rejected by me as I was by my ex-boyfriend.  Just as I was so willing to just be with him and love him, Christ has always been there, willing to forgive me of all my sins, to save me from my sorrows, and to let me feel of his unconditional, everlasting love for me. This thought made my heart hurt as I thought of all the times that I had let Him down, of all the people that I had hurt, of all the pain that my choices had brought to myself, and of the suffering that He had to bear for all of those moments when I was hurting.  All my pain and heartbreak--He felt it, and it would not have ever existed if I had just simply followed God's plan for me.

Later that day I went home and called my mom.  I cried as I told her how much I missed my ex-boyfriend, of how I didn't know what I was going to do without him...she only said to me, "Keisha, you just need to get your priorities straight.  We had a lesson in family home evening about priorities on Monday and your first priority should always be to, 'First, seek ye the Kingdom of God.'"  We had many conversations like this one, every time I complained about anything she would pretty much say something like this to me, so I threw some smart remark back at her and told her how I had gone to institute that day.  She was a little impressed but she didn't let it get her hopes up since she had been struggling for two years to try and get me to do the right thing.  She only said, "Remember Keisha, 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.' - Proverbs 3:5-6"  

I was still upset, but I posted this verse as my status on Facebook. Right after I posted it Madison "liked" it...and then I suddenly remembered that for some reason I had been thinking about Madison a lot the past couple of weeks.  It was strange because I hadn't seen her in two years, and we hadn't really kept in touch, even over Facebook.  All of the sudden I had a very strong prompting that I needed to talk to her, so I messaged her my number and asked her to call me.

Not even five minutes later my phone started ringing and I knew that Madison was on the other line.  I just remember her saying, "what's up babe?" and I immediately burst into tears.  I preceded to tell her the details about my recently ended relationship and, and she told me of her own four year relationship and she had to let go of in order to do what she knew was right. We talked for hours and hours, and I told her all about that day and how I had felt. At the end of our conversation she basically said, "so what are you going to do about it?"

It was then that I decided I would call my bishop, I would make things right, and I would find my way back to the person I knew that I was. The very next day I talked to my bishop before I could talk myself out of it, and I started to change my direction. The entire life that I had built since I went to Reno had to change.  I thought that it would be impossible, I didn't know anyone that went to church, I had to give up so much, and I didn't know if I could do it. I know now, without a doubt, that the Lord has provided ways for us to do the things that we need to do in order to be closer to him and do his work. Everything that happened to me helped to humble me so that I was in a place where I would seek Him.  People that have come into my life and become a big part of it, particularly Madison, have been placed in my life for a very specific purpose.

My once "stranger" of a roommate became a good friend and she supported me in my decision to change my life.  I know that if I had been living where I was before I would not have been in an environment where my change would have been accepted or supported.

The last three months have been hard, but I am happier than I have been since I can remember.  I have found a new friend in Madison and because our friendship has been built upon the gospel, I can feel how much that strengthens it.  I am learning that everything needs to be built upon the gospel if you want it to last.

I was raised with a great and empowering knowledge that I am a child of God who loves me, and I forgot that.  I forgot that "I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission which I will strive to fulfill." My actions were not coherent with what I knew to be true about life, about God's plan, and about myself. I know that God watches over us and directs our paths.  I know that if it were not for Him I would probably not be here right now, and I now know that His plan is the only one that can bring true and lasting peace and happiness.

I am excited to continually serve Him; to "take upon me the name of [His] son," and be a disciple of Jesus Christ.  I am far from perfect. I have a lot left to do in this life, but I have a strong desire to follow Him.  I know that Christ lives, I know that he loves us.   I know that he died for the sins of the world that all may be saved if they believe on His name and are baptized. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children and that if we follow his plan we will be happy.

OKAY! So, here it goes... :]

I have never attempted blogging before, so feel fortunate that you get to experience my first ever attempt. Lucky you. ;]

A Younger Me :]

Quick Facts: I love all food. I like to sleep. A lot. I love sports, especially basketball & football.  My favorite professional teams are: The Redskins, The Jazz, and The Phillies. I would much rather watch college sports than professional sports. I go to Nevada; GO PACK! ♥ I love yoga. I am 20 years old. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  My testimony is my most precious possession. I believe in love. I dream big & work hard. I believe that a smile is the most beautiful thing you can wear. I love to laugh. I love taking pictures. I am a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I find joy in simple things. I am not hard to please. I believe that we are all here to help each other, and that is what I strive to do everyday.

From this first entry I would just like you to get the most basic idea of who I am from my own perspective. From here on out I will simply let you decide for yourself from the experiences that I share with you.

My Parents (Darin & Lelsy) - Thanksgiving '10

First thing you should know: my life is a fairy-tale.  Now some of you may be thinking, "that is a pretty bold statement," but it is true! :]  My parents met by the chanciest of chances and have been married for almost 25 years.  My mother is from Colombia, South America, and my dad--well, he is from Idaho. Both of their paths to each other were a series of very specific circumstances. If a number of different choices in either of their lives would have been made, they never would have met each other.  It really is a miracle that they did. There are now five kids in my family; Megan (21), Me (20), Nychea (16), Samuel (11), and Odessa (8). We all have been blessed by my parents choices and their love. They are both so amazing and strong. They are my best friends and my heroes.

Odessa & Samuel

Me on my horse JoJo Starflash & Nychea - Summer '10
(home from school for a visit)

I was born in Provo, Utah, but I grew up in Montpelier, Idaho.  I l o v e d living there and was absolutely devastated when I found out we were moving when I was in the fifth grade.  I was even more horrified when I found out that we were moving to literally the middle of NOWHERE.  I was 11 when we moved to a ranch about 20 miles outside of Lund, Nevada. Moving into a town of about 400 people was not easy, especially when most everyone who lived there had lived there for their entire lives. As I struggled to make friends in a class of about 15 people, I found myself feeling like my life was no longer the fairy-tale that I had once believed.  I started doubting myself, doubting my worth, doubting, doubting, doubting...

As I grew up and my family continued to live in Lund, I continued to struggle.  The place itself grew on me. I found myself liking the opportunities that I had living in such a small place. With the amazing unwavering support of my parents, I was able to participate in whatever I wanted; every sport that was offered, student council, 4-H, FFA, school plays, etc. I fell in love with the wide open spaces, the fresh air, the absolutely amazing stars, the smell of the desert rain, the ranch, the beautiful mountains, and a lot of the people. However, I longed for my childhood home.  I missed my old friends, I missed my old neighborhood, my old school, my old house, my old ranch, Bear Lake, and the 4th of July in Paris.

Over the years I adjusted, and I overcame the move.  My older sister Megan and I became closer than we ever would have if we had not been in a place where we had to be each other's best friends, and I grew stronger than I thought was possible.  The biggest trial in my life at the time ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me, and through the struggle I had in Lund, I have learned to embrace my trials a little more gracefully (I still struggle with this, let's not be fooled).

Megan & Madison

High school had it's ups and downs and I was a very sad girl when my sister graduated in 2007 (my sophomore year) and moved away. I pulled through and graduated in 2009, finally! With some great memories, a 4.0, a little experience, and a lot of courage I moved away from home. I moved to Ogden, Utah to finally be reunited with my sister! A very important person then entered my life; Madison Maxfield was my sisters roommate at BYU-Idaho the previous year and they had since moved to Ogden and lived together.  I knew Madison via Megan for the two years before I lived with them through various visits and get-togethers, but I was excited to be on my own and living with them both.

Megan & I at a Nevada football game in the Fall of '09

That summer was a blast, and it ended with Megan and I both moving to Reno, NV to go to school.  We both had scholarships there and I was so excited to move yet again to a new place, especially with my sister!  My first year of college was crazy to say the very least. Everything was different, including me. I had fun, and I did well in school, but I was not myself.  Looking back I see that somewhere along the way, I lost my belief that my life is indeed a fairy-tale. I lost the faith that I had in myself.  I lost my faith period.


As I tried my second year of college to make myself happy, I found myself in one-sided friendships, in heart-breaking relationships, and in compromising situations.  I was searching in all the wrong places for a happiness that was only fleeting because it was not based on anything of worth. I did meet some amazing friends, and I made a lot of great memories, but when I was alone and forced to ponder my life and where it was going I realized that I wasn't at peace with my decisions.  There is a difference between being happy, and being at peace.  All of these realizations have lead me to now....


And now....


I am happier and more sure of myself than I have been in the last 4-5 years.  This lasting happiness and assurance has come from the best decision that I ever made. It was a decision to truly look inside of myself and ask myself what I wanted out of this life; to truly be honest with myself and ask myself where the choices that I was making in my life were leading me.


Growing up my parents raised me in the Church, they made sure that I knew the teachings, and they gave me great examples to follow.  As I got older I thought that the rules were restricting, that the guidelines given to me to follow were preventing me from being happy, and that it was all just really pointless. So I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  I never thought about the consequences, only about right now, and I thought I was happy.


I think that my true conversion story to the Gospel of Jesus Christ deserves it's own entry, so I will leave this one with one final thought:  I know that everything happens for a reason. My next entry will illustrate this.