so this morning i woke up in the recliner. not sure what time i fell asleep last night, but i was surprised to find myself there. yesterday was a l o n g day.


i woke up with a pain in my chest. that missing someone pain. and it was realll strong today. i also woke up with a worry in my heart. i'm leaving this place so soon. when i graduated and left home, i never thought it'd be like this. i never thought i'd be like this. coming home and staying for more than a few days has forced me to remember how much i love this place. i can try and deny it all i want, but i know that this place is me, and i have found myself again in this place.


i always used to tell people that i grew up in bear lake, and then moved here when i was in jr. high. the truth is, i grew up here. in bear lake i was just a kid, and i love the me that i was then. i love the many many memories that i have from that time, but those memories are unlike any that i have had since. then, i was just me. every part of me was owned and unapologetic. back then i never entertained thoughts about what other people thought of me. i was never curious if my friends really liked me for me, or if they were just bored and didn't have anyone else to play with or talk to. when boys chased me on the playground and told me that they had a crush on me i never wondered why, i just believed them. i took it all in without a filter, without doubt. i was comfortable in my own skin, and i was carefree.


my biggest wounds were on my knees from falling off my bike, or on my elbows from crashing on my rollerblades. there was no heartbreak, no lasting injuries. i never felt a pain that my mother couldn't fix. i had adventures on my bike with my best friend who also happened to be my sister. our chores got done because we wanted to go to the bakery and get penny candies or to the video store and rent clueless for the millionth time or to the ranch to play in the creek or see the piglets. i rode my horse bareback and fearless. never worried about falling, because i knew that if i did all i had to do was get back on. the memory of the dirt in my face after getting bucked off of moonbeam and my dad wiping my tears, but not letting me give up will always help me get back on. i was secure and loved. no, bear lake is not the place that i grew up.


this morning as i got in my dad's chevy i realized that this place is where i grew up. because this place challenged me. it was new, and i was scared. it was here that i learned to stand up for myself. it was here that i learned to never apologize for being good at something. it was here that i learned that i wasn't going to always do everything perfectly, and that if i tried to make everyone love me, i'd end up hating myself. it was here that i learned how to drive (a truck & not just a tractor) and i am grateful my dad never let me drive an automatic until i mastered a manual--no matter how frustrated i got. 

while i drove down the dirt road to the mail boxes today, that familiar sound of rocks flying up hitting the side of the truck, and the crunch of gravel took me back to the days when i was still unsure of what i wanted and what i truly believed. these were the days when every exploration was an exploration of self. because every experience was a new one, and i had to decide how i was going to handle different situations. back then, i was new at thinking about the world, how it worked, and what place i wanted in it.


it wasn't here, that i answered those questions--that came later--but growing up isn't always about having the answers. sometimes it's about simply being aware enough to ask the questions.


i wish life was like a dirt road sometimes. you can always see someone coming because of the cloud of dust that follows them. as i drove, i noticed someone coming down the road and i realized it was nychea. she realized it was me, and we both skidded to a stop. 


"did you get the mail?" i asked breathlessly. even through all that thinking, i still hadn't lost the missing someone feeling. and i was hoping so much for a letter.


"yeah, nothing." she said in a sad voice.


wow. i couldn't believe it. no way. it was thursday.... there had to be a letter. so i made her hand over the mail for me to go through. yeah, nothing. dismayed, i handily made a 10 point turn in the middle of that narrow dirt road in my dad's big diesel (no big deal). and headed back to the house. shucks, what a waste, i thought. i pulled up to the house, and i saw nychea walking inside with a cookie from subway in her hot little hand (she had soccer practice in town early this morning).


i stole that cookie.


and after all her begging to not, i was just about to stuff it in my mouth when it came out, "no, no, no. pleeeease keisha don't eat it, if you give it back to me, i'll give you something." and she lifts up her shirt. and there, tucked in her waistband, is a beautiful, stickered-within-an-inch-of-its-life, letter. i didn't even have to ask. i ripped that letter right out of there and jumped up and down. i said a lot of "you lied!? you liiieeeeddd!!!???s" and "i knew it! i freaking knew it!s" and then i opened that letter with my chocolate-chippy hands, and tears fell down my cheeks as once again that elder said everything i needed to hear from him. especially the part about a baptismal commitment. i really miss him, but this being apart is so worth it. oh what a morning. but that was a low blow nychea. not funny.


and also i am very proud of the post office for getting that thing to me so fast.


that is all... for now :)

I love bright orange...especially when it appears on a tractor.

In the good ol' town of Lund, NV there is a celebration every year for the 24th of July. It is legendary--well, sort of. Most people don't even know where Lund is, but if you do, you know of a place that is truly special {cough}. Just kidding, I really love this place.

Okay let me paint a picture for you...


Picture nothing in all of its nothingness (as in, sagebrush & alkali soil & tumble weeds & willow trees where there is any water at all & big giant cottonwoods wherever there is a little more than a little). Now, add mountains--beautiful, huge-o-mongous, amazingly magnificent mountains. Okay, with all of that splendor in your head, double the mountains & make them run north and south, parallel to each other. Then, put all that nothingness that you dreamed up earlier in between said mountains. Next, add the tiniest tiny town that you can think of (except cut it in half because it is probably smaller than that). Make sure though, that it contains a post office, a country store equipped with 2 (yes only two) gas pumps, a brand spankin' new K-12 school [est. 2002], rodeo grounds, a church, a volunteer fire dept. fire house, "the square," Carter's ag store, lots of tractors & alfalfa fields, cows, horses, other various farm animals, and a bunch of friendly, hardworking, old fashioned old people accompanied by their wonderful children & grandchildren who have moved back to keep the place alive. Oh, and don't forget the big blue silo. {BREATH}

Twins! At heart. :)

Also, you should know that the only road with lines on it is Main Street, which runs right through the center of town. All other roads may or may not be paved, the majority of which are not. Oh, almost forgot--in the foothills of those majestic mountains you created in your head, picture one particular hill with a giant white L on it. Perfect. On any given day I would say there are +/- 300 people in the actual Lund town. In the whole White River Valley which includes the ranch I live on, a tinier town called Preston, and some other outlying ranches there might be around 500. On the days during the 24th of July, this population triples. Maybe even quadruples. Can you even imagine it? I know.

The point of this big huge celebration in this little bitty town is to celebrate our great heritage. This White River Valley & all of it's charming allure would have never been discovered if it weren't for the courageous, stalwart pioneers that came over from the East and discovered it. The 24th of July is a national holiday (I'm pretty sure), but I am also pretty sure that it is only celebrated in Western states because we really are the only states that benefitted from it (I could have this all wrong, but like I said, I'm pretty sure). Most of the time when I tell people about Pioneer Day they look at me like I time travelled from the 1800s and may have grown up in a barn. They aren't far off.


Anyway, back to the point. This celebration is always a memorable one. I look forward to it every year and am somewhat dismayed when I find that I will not be able to be in attendance. It usually goes something like this:


Thursday - various gymkhana & rodeo events


Friday - Ranch rodeo during the day & more gymkhana stuff

Friday night - Dance at the firehouse (lots of country music and line dancing to be expected, possibly also a few drunk people that make for good entertainment).

Saturday - Parade in the morning. Town barbeque, kids games & talent show in the day. Rodeo (complete with bucking broncs, bull riding, barrel racing, etc.) that afternoon/evening. And of course, the famous Lund Fireworks show to wrap it all up.

Now, I know what you all may be thinking--that it doesn't sound like that much fun. Am I right? Well, you my friends, are wrong. W-R-O-N-G. 'Tis a grand ol' time. Seriously though. I think what makes it the most fun is seeing all the people that you don't get to see that often, but that you still find yourself caring about deeply. It's knowing that we are all coming together as one community that is proud of our heritage and proud of our lovable, adorable, enchanting little town. Some magic happens on this weekend, because most of the time I don't feel this way about said town. Maybe it's the influx of amazing people that fill the place with smiles and love, but I'd like to think that it is real life magic. That the pioneer fairy comes down and sprinkles amazing dust over the whole valley for the weekend. Then, as it comes to an end it blows up in the sky appearing to be fireworks. I know. I'm weird. It's okay, you are too.


So Friday I went to the dance, followed by some very lazy rabbit hunting with my friends (we used shotguns so it's pretty much a guaranteed hit unless you can't hit the broad side of a barn). Saturday began with the parade in which I appeared as a back seat driver of my friend Oakley's truck which was pulling a float. I was a terrible parade participant, for I bore no candy and supplied no waves. Disappointing.

The beginnings of the parade.

Saturday night was spent at the rodeo (holla atchya cowboys), and then watching the fireworks show from the grass at the square. I love the fireworks in Lund because the people who light them (what would these people be called? firework conductors? blast-o-maniacs? lighting buggers? not sure...anyway) aren't too far away while lighting them so they basically explode right over your head. Plus it's like the longest fireworks show of your life. Seriously. Later that night I went to a bon fire. To say it was entertaining would be the understatement of the summer. Oh what hicks will do in the middle of nowhere with a fire and some beer. I think intoxication turns f-u-n into f-i-g-h-t, and the best thing that people can think of to do is to run their mouths and instigate a full on brawl. I was thankful to be on the sober side of things.

The weekend was wrapped up with a packed church causing the sacrament to be passed in various rooms containing the great overflow that couldn't quite make it in the chapel. I loved it. I relished in every second of the massive quantities of people that showed up to achieve a fulfilled Sabbath. Yay for church & traditions & our pioneer heritage. I wish we could do it all over again next week, but next year works too.


Chao.

As I started this Spring semester at the University of Nevada I found everyday a struggle.  I had recently been kicked out of my apartment by two of my closest "friends," my boyfriend broke up with me, and everything that I had relied on to make me happy was ripped out from under me.  I found myself in a new apartment with pretty much a complete stranger, hundreds of miles from home, and for the first time in my life I felt homesick.

The days seemed to drag on and on.  I would randomly burst into tears about every ten minutes, I was sad, and lonely and I tried everything (very recklessly) to try and make myself feel better, but nothing worked.

I had never experienced this kind of sadness before.  I have always been a really happy person and never had a problem picking myself up, but this time, I just couldn't.  I couldn't eat because my throat felt so tight that every time I tried to swallow I felt like I would throw up.  I had a constant, wrenching pain in my stomach; it felt as if I had a hole there that throbbed with a constant aching pain all the time.  The only thing that made this pain go away was running, but since I couldn't eat, that wasn't very effective.  I felt dizzy all the time, and I was scared. 

After a couple weeks of this, in early February, I was really nervous. I called my mom and asked her to please come and see me that weekend, thinking that this would definitely make me feel better.  Although her presence and loving arms helped a little, I still didn't feel okay.  When she left, everything went back to exactly how it was before, and I was miserable.

As everyone knows, when you break up with someone it is never a clean break, so for the first part of February my relationship went back and forth.  I was torn apart by this roller-coaster ride of emotional ups & downs, never knowing who to trust, not even trusting myself.  On February 19th my boyfriend broke up with me for the fourth time in one month--maybe that is my fault, but I was once again devastated.  I was so hurt, and I felt rejected and alone.

I started wondering why I was even alive, I knew I was in school and I was getting good grades but I wondered what the point of any of it was. I felt like I was living in a whirlwind, nothing made sense, and everything felt completely out of control. My thoughts started to scare me... and so I offered up a simple prayer.  I asked my Heavenly Father to please, please take this feeling away from me.  To please allow me to let go of my ex-boyfriend, to strengthen me, and to comfort me.  Every time I prayed I kept seeing the same thing in the back of my head.  It was the Institute of Religion building on campus.  I had driven by it and knew where it was, I think I even walked through there on a bad day when I first got to school, but I had never spent much time there.  Every time I would pray I would get really angry that the feelings of sadness I was having would not go away, and that I kept seeing that s t u p i d building in my head! I would basically say to myself, "alright give me something else because I am not going there...I refuse."

The Picture of Christ

After a couple days of this--praying and getting the same answer--I decided to go.  It was a Wednesday morning and I was sitting in my Core Humanities class with tears streaming down my face.  I was counting the minutes down until my class was over and immediately I got out of my chair and headed for the institute building. It seemed that I couldn't get there fast enough, and as I opened the doors and stepped inside I knew why. I turned to my left, and there a giant picture of Christ hung on the wall above the couch in the foyer. Immediately that hopeless, sick, tormented feeling inside me just disappeared.  I was left with a peace inside of my heart and a sure knowledge that everything would be okay.

To me, this was a bigger miracle than the parting of the Red Sea. I had tried tirelessly to lift myself up, to try and tell myself that everything would be okay, to comfort myself, and nothing worked.  There was a power beyond my own that came into my heart and reassured me that everything would be okay, that everything was just as it should be, and that comforted me.  I know that this comfort came from the Holy Ghost. I know that only he can offer that kind of peacefulness and calm to my soul, and at that moment I knew that everything I had been told my whole life about my Heavenly Father and His plan for us was true.

Then and there I decided that I would do anything to keep that peace in my heart.  No sacrifice became too great, nothing else seemed more appealing than that simple peace I had received. I sat in the institute building for hours, no one knew me (and I am pretty sure they thought I was some psycho). I sat there as the tears kept pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I was so grateful that I could not stop crying, and I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to lose that peace.  I ended up going to a class that day, and as we sang the opening hymn I couldn't utter one word without bursting into tears yet again.  I don't remember what hymn it was, but I do remember it saying something about coming unto the Savior.

As I pondered the meaning of the words that were being sung, I started wondering if Christ was feeling as rejected by me as I was by my ex-boyfriend.  Just as I was so willing to just be with him and love him, Christ has always been there, willing to forgive me of all my sins, to save me from my sorrows, and to let me feel of his unconditional, everlasting love for me. This thought made my heart hurt as I thought of all the times that I had let Him down, of all the people that I had hurt, of all the pain that my choices had brought to myself, and of the suffering that He had to bear for all of those moments when I was hurting.  All my pain and heartbreak--He felt it, and it would not have ever existed if I had just simply followed God's plan for me.

Later that day I went home and called my mom.  I cried as I told her how much I missed my ex-boyfriend, of how I didn't know what I was going to do without him...she only said to me, "Keisha, you just need to get your priorities straight.  We had a lesson in family home evening about priorities on Monday and your first priority should always be to, 'First, seek ye the Kingdom of God.'"  We had many conversations like this one, every time I complained about anything she would pretty much say something like this to me, so I threw some smart remark back at her and told her how I had gone to institute that day.  She was a little impressed but she didn't let it get her hopes up since she had been struggling for two years to try and get me to do the right thing.  She only said, "Remember Keisha, 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.' - Proverbs 3:5-6"  

I was still upset, but I posted this verse as my status on Facebook. Right after I posted it Madison "liked" it...and then I suddenly remembered that for some reason I had been thinking about Madison a lot the past couple of weeks.  It was strange because I hadn't seen her in two years, and we hadn't really kept in touch, even over Facebook.  All of the sudden I had a very strong prompting that I needed to talk to her, so I messaged her my number and asked her to call me.

Not even five minutes later my phone started ringing and I knew that Madison was on the other line.  I just remember her saying, "what's up babe?" and I immediately burst into tears.  I preceded to tell her the details about my recently ended relationship and, and she told me of her own four year relationship and she had to let go of in order to do what she knew was right. We talked for hours and hours, and I told her all about that day and how I had felt. At the end of our conversation she basically said, "so what are you going to do about it?"

It was then that I decided I would call my bishop, I would make things right, and I would find my way back to the person I knew that I was. The very next day I talked to my bishop before I could talk myself out of it, and I started to change my direction. The entire life that I had built since I went to Reno had to change.  I thought that it would be impossible, I didn't know anyone that went to church, I had to give up so much, and I didn't know if I could do it. I know now, without a doubt, that the Lord has provided ways for us to do the things that we need to do in order to be closer to him and do his work. Everything that happened to me helped to humble me so that I was in a place where I would seek Him.  People that have come into my life and become a big part of it, particularly Madison, have been placed in my life for a very specific purpose.

My once "stranger" of a roommate became a good friend and she supported me in my decision to change my life.  I know that if I had been living where I was before I would not have been in an environment where my change would have been accepted or supported.

The last three months have been hard, but I am happier than I have been since I can remember.  I have found a new friend in Madison and because our friendship has been built upon the gospel, I can feel how much that strengthens it.  I am learning that everything needs to be built upon the gospel if you want it to last.

I was raised with a great and empowering knowledge that I am a child of God who loves me, and I forgot that.  I forgot that "I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission which I will strive to fulfill." My actions were not coherent with what I knew to be true about life, about God's plan, and about myself. I know that God watches over us and directs our paths.  I know that if it were not for Him I would probably not be here right now, and I now know that His plan is the only one that can bring true and lasting peace and happiness.

I am excited to continually serve Him; to "take upon me the name of [His] son," and be a disciple of Jesus Christ.  I am far from perfect. I have a lot left to do in this life, but I have a strong desire to follow Him.  I know that Christ lives, I know that he loves us.   I know that he died for the sins of the world that all may be saved if they believe on His name and are baptized. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children and that if we follow his plan we will be happy.

OKAY! So, here it goes... :]

I have never attempted blogging before, so feel fortunate that you get to experience my first ever attempt. Lucky you. ;]

A Younger Me :]

Quick Facts: I love all food. I like to sleep. A lot. I love sports, especially basketball & football.  My favorite professional teams are: The Redskins, The Jazz, and The Phillies. I would much rather watch college sports than professional sports. I go to Nevada; GO PACK! ♥ I love yoga. I am 20 years old. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  My testimony is my most precious possession. I believe in love. I dream big & work hard. I believe that a smile is the most beautiful thing you can wear. I love to laugh. I love taking pictures. I am a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I find joy in simple things. I am not hard to please. I believe that we are all here to help each other, and that is what I strive to do everyday.

From this first entry I would just like you to get the most basic idea of who I am from my own perspective. From here on out I will simply let you decide for yourself from the experiences that I share with you.

My Parents (Darin & Lelsy) - Thanksgiving '10

First thing you should know: my life is a fairy-tale.  Now some of you may be thinking, "that is a pretty bold statement," but it is true! :]  My parents met by the chanciest of chances and have been married for almost 25 years.  My mother is from Colombia, South America, and my dad--well, he is from Idaho. Both of their paths to each other were a series of very specific circumstances. If a number of different choices in either of their lives would have been made, they never would have met each other.  It really is a miracle that they did. There are now five kids in my family; Megan (21), Me (20), Nychea (16), Samuel (11), and Odessa (8). We all have been blessed by my parents choices and their love. They are both so amazing and strong. They are my best friends and my heroes.

Odessa & Samuel

Me on my horse JoJo Starflash & Nychea - Summer '10
(home from school for a visit)

I was born in Provo, Utah, but I grew up in Montpelier, Idaho.  I l o v e d living there and was absolutely devastated when I found out we were moving when I was in the fifth grade.  I was even more horrified when I found out that we were moving to literally the middle of NOWHERE.  I was 11 when we moved to a ranch about 20 miles outside of Lund, Nevada. Moving into a town of about 400 people was not easy, especially when most everyone who lived there had lived there for their entire lives. As I struggled to make friends in a class of about 15 people, I found myself feeling like my life was no longer the fairy-tale that I had once believed.  I started doubting myself, doubting my worth, doubting, doubting, doubting...

As I grew up and my family continued to live in Lund, I continued to struggle.  The place itself grew on me. I found myself liking the opportunities that I had living in such a small place. With the amazing unwavering support of my parents, I was able to participate in whatever I wanted; every sport that was offered, student council, 4-H, FFA, school plays, etc. I fell in love with the wide open spaces, the fresh air, the absolutely amazing stars, the smell of the desert rain, the ranch, the beautiful mountains, and a lot of the people. However, I longed for my childhood home.  I missed my old friends, I missed my old neighborhood, my old school, my old house, my old ranch, Bear Lake, and the 4th of July in Paris.

Over the years I adjusted, and I overcame the move.  My older sister Megan and I became closer than we ever would have if we had not been in a place where we had to be each other's best friends, and I grew stronger than I thought was possible.  The biggest trial in my life at the time ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me, and through the struggle I had in Lund, I have learned to embrace my trials a little more gracefully (I still struggle with this, let's not be fooled).

Megan & Madison

High school had it's ups and downs and I was a very sad girl when my sister graduated in 2007 (my sophomore year) and moved away. I pulled through and graduated in 2009, finally! With some great memories, a 4.0, a little experience, and a lot of courage I moved away from home. I moved to Ogden, Utah to finally be reunited with my sister! A very important person then entered my life; Madison Maxfield was my sisters roommate at BYU-Idaho the previous year and they had since moved to Ogden and lived together.  I knew Madison via Megan for the two years before I lived with them through various visits and get-togethers, but I was excited to be on my own and living with them both.

Megan & I at a Nevada football game in the Fall of '09

That summer was a blast, and it ended with Megan and I both moving to Reno, NV to go to school.  We both had scholarships there and I was so excited to move yet again to a new place, especially with my sister!  My first year of college was crazy to say the very least. Everything was different, including me. I had fun, and I did well in school, but I was not myself.  Looking back I see that somewhere along the way, I lost my belief that my life is indeed a fairy-tale. I lost the faith that I had in myself.  I lost my faith period.


As I tried my second year of college to make myself happy, I found myself in one-sided friendships, in heart-breaking relationships, and in compromising situations.  I was searching in all the wrong places for a happiness that was only fleeting because it was not based on anything of worth. I did meet some amazing friends, and I made a lot of great memories, but when I was alone and forced to ponder my life and where it was going I realized that I wasn't at peace with my decisions.  There is a difference between being happy, and being at peace.  All of these realizations have lead me to now....


And now....


I am happier and more sure of myself than I have been in the last 4-5 years.  This lasting happiness and assurance has come from the best decision that I ever made. It was a decision to truly look inside of myself and ask myself what I wanted out of this life; to truly be honest with myself and ask myself where the choices that I was making in my life were leading me.


Growing up my parents raised me in the Church, they made sure that I knew the teachings, and they gave me great examples to follow.  As I got older I thought that the rules were restricting, that the guidelines given to me to follow were preventing me from being happy, and that it was all just really pointless. So I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  I never thought about the consequences, only about right now, and I thought I was happy.


I think that my true conversion story to the Gospel of Jesus Christ deserves it's own entry, so I will leave this one with one final thought:  I know that everything happens for a reason. My next entry will illustrate this.