i woke up with a pain in my chest. that missing someone pain. and it was realll strong today. i also woke up with a worry in my heart. i'm leaving this place so soon. when i graduated and left home, i never thought it'd be like this. i never thought i'd be like this. coming home and staying for more than a few days has forced me to remember how much i love this place. i can try and deny it all i want, but i know that this place is me, and i have found myself again in this place.
i always used to tell people that i grew up in bear lake, and then moved here when i was in jr. high. the truth is, i grew up here. in bear lake i was just a kid, and i love the me that i was then. i love the many many memories that i have from that time, but those memories are unlike any that i have had since. then, i was just me. every part of me was owned and unapologetic. back then i never entertained thoughts about what other people thought of me. i was never curious if my friends really liked me for me, or if they were just bored and didn't have anyone else to play with or talk to. when boys chased me on the playground and told me that they had a crush on me i never wondered why, i just believed them. i took it all in without a filter, without doubt. i was comfortable in my own skin, and i was carefree.
my biggest wounds were on my knees from falling off my bike, or on my elbows from crashing on my rollerblades. there was no heartbreak, no lasting injuries. i never felt a pain that my mother couldn't fix. i had adventures on my bike with my best friend who also happened to be my sister. our chores got done because we wanted to go to the bakery and get penny candies or to the video store and rent clueless for the millionth time or to the ranch to play in the creek or see the piglets. i rode my horse bareback and fearless. never worried about falling, because i knew that if i did all i had to do was get back on. the memory of the dirt in my face after getting bucked off of moonbeam and my dad wiping my tears, but not letting me give up will always help me get back on. i was secure and loved. no, bear lake is not the place that i grew up.
this morning as i got in my dad's chevy i realized that this place is where i grew up. because this place challenged me. it was new, and i was scared. it was here that i learned to stand up for myself. it was here that i learned to never apologize for being good at something. it was here that i learned that i wasn't going to always do everything perfectly, and that if i tried to make everyone love me, i'd end up hating myself. it was here that i learned how to drive (a truck & not just a tractor) and i am grateful my dad never let me drive an automatic until i mastered a manual--no matter how frustrated i got.
it wasn't here, that i answered those questions--that came later--but growing up isn't always about having the answers. sometimes it's about simply being aware enough to ask the questions.
i wish life was like a dirt road sometimes. you can always see someone coming because of the cloud of dust that follows them. as i drove, i noticed someone coming down the road and i realized it was nychea. she realized it was me, and we both skidded to a stop.
"did you get the mail?" i asked breathlessly. even through all that thinking, i still hadn't lost the missing someone feeling. and i was hoping so much for a letter.
"yeah, nothing." she said in a sad voice.
wow. i couldn't believe it. no way. it was thursday.... there had to be a letter. so i made her hand over the mail for me to go through. yeah, nothing. dismayed, i handily made a 10 point turn in the middle of that narrow dirt road in my dad's big diesel (no big deal). and headed back to the house. shucks, what a waste, i thought. i pulled up to the house, and i saw nychea walking inside with a cookie from subway in her hot little hand (she had soccer practice in town early this morning).
i stole that cookie.
and after all her begging to not, i was just about to stuff it in my mouth when it came out, "no, no, no. pleeeease keisha don't eat it, if you give it back to me, i'll give you something." and she lifts up her shirt. and there, tucked in her waistband, is a beautiful, stickered-within-an-inch-of-its-life, letter. i didn't even have to ask. i ripped that letter right out of there and jumped up and down. i said a lot of "you lied!? you liiieeeeddd!!!???s" and "i knew it! i freaking knew it!s" and then i opened that letter with my chocolate-chippy hands, and tears fell down my cheeks as once again that elder said everything i needed to hear from him. especially the part about a baptismal commitment. i really miss him, but this being apart is so worth it. oh what a morning. but that was a low blow nychea. not funny.
and also i am very proud of the post office for getting that thing to me so fast.
that is all... for now :)
