friday morning [8.12.11] i woke up and my megan sister was there (she arrived at the ranch the night before from reno). i love her so much. i missed her a lot. it was a weird summer without her.

anyway, so we packed up my car and my parents packed up theirs and we hit the road to utah. we were going to salt lake to maybe go to the zoo before nychea, megan, and i went to my cousin eleshia'sbachelorette party at sapa. we definitely did not make it to the zoo. construction delays, poddy breaks, and food stops made sure that it took us like five whole hours to get there. so instead we went and snatched madison from the salon and hung out at the mall.

the four of us hadn't been together for about two years, so it was a fun reunion. lots of laughing and inside jokes. i have the most fun with these girls. madison & megan bring out the best in each other. seriously they are hilarious. so we went to the bachelorette party. eleshia was beautiful & the food was fantastic.

after dinner we weren't done having fun so we went out to see crazy, stupid, love. it was really great. it was everything: funny, cute, ryan gosling...need i say more?

the next day my family had some fun at this is the place monument, and then that night: the wedding. i definitely cried when eleshia started to walk down the aisle. she looked so beautiful. at 19 i can't believe she is the first one to be married of all the grandkids! but i am so happy for her :)

then there was the reception. then there was chili's with my uncle lyndon's family. then there was a much needed visit with the burke family--and how nice, they let us (megan, me, and nychea) sleep over to minimize our driving time. then there was a beautiful talk by lexady in sacrament on sunday. then there was the long drive home.

one of the best things about the wedding: i got to see people that i love more than anything in the world. family is so important. and i got to spend time with madison before she left for texas! oh texas....

here's some pictures from the wedding :) what a day...

when you steal, you lose.

8.19.11

was the day that nychea wished she had never eaten my peach o's.

because i colored all over her face with a hi-liter.


and maybe it didn't come off that easy.


but maybe she shouldn't have eaten them. because i reallllly really wanted them. i was saving them. they were basically like buried treasure. minus the fact that they weren't exactly buried. and also that, well there was no map. she didn't even need a map though! she just scoped those things out and ate them all. that's right. she didn't even leave me one. 


but i win. because i graffitied her face AND got pictures. ha!

you were a little kid and you couldn't sleep the night before the first day of school?

you had your whole outfit for the next day laid out and ready to go?

you could hardly wait to see who was in your class that year?

school starts tomorrow. yikes.

i'm so excited though. i'm so ready for this semester. i have a new strength in me. it's called: i know that my redeemer lives.

this semester i am armed with my rediscovered testimony, a father's blessing, a singles ward that i l o v e, my j sandwich (jen & joyceann), the institute--which i can never express enough gratitude for, letters from a sweet boy, and the deepest sense of peace & comfort in my heart.

15 credits. no job yet. a sweet set up with one of my favorite professors writing a grant together & getting three 400 level credits for it (independent study, yes thank you). two book of mormon classes. and a whole lotta fun. 

bring it on, fall 2011. bring. it. on.

so this morning i woke up in the recliner. not sure what time i fell asleep last night, but i was surprised to find myself there. yesterday was a l o n g day.


i woke up with a pain in my chest. that missing someone pain. and it was realll strong today. i also woke up with a worry in my heart. i'm leaving this place so soon. when i graduated and left home, i never thought it'd be like this. i never thought i'd be like this. coming home and staying for more than a few days has forced me to remember how much i love this place. i can try and deny it all i want, but i know that this place is me, and i have found myself again in this place.


i always used to tell people that i grew up in bear lake, and then moved here when i was in jr. high. the truth is, i grew up here. in bear lake i was just a kid, and i love the me that i was then. i love the many many memories that i have from that time, but those memories are unlike any that i have had since. then, i was just me. every part of me was owned and unapologetic. back then i never entertained thoughts about what other people thought of me. i was never curious if my friends really liked me for me, or if they were just bored and didn't have anyone else to play with or talk to. when boys chased me on the playground and told me that they had a crush on me i never wondered why, i just believed them. i took it all in without a filter, without doubt. i was comfortable in my own skin, and i was carefree.


my biggest wounds were on my knees from falling off my bike, or on my elbows from crashing on my rollerblades. there was no heartbreak, no lasting injuries. i never felt a pain that my mother couldn't fix. i had adventures on my bike with my best friend who also happened to be my sister. our chores got done because we wanted to go to the bakery and get penny candies or to the video store and rent clueless for the millionth time or to the ranch to play in the creek or see the piglets. i rode my horse bareback and fearless. never worried about falling, because i knew that if i did all i had to do was get back on. the memory of the dirt in my face after getting bucked off of moonbeam and my dad wiping my tears, but not letting me give up will always help me get back on. i was secure and loved. no, bear lake is not the place that i grew up.


this morning as i got in my dad's chevy i realized that this place is where i grew up. because this place challenged me. it was new, and i was scared. it was here that i learned to stand up for myself. it was here that i learned to never apologize for being good at something. it was here that i learned that i wasn't going to always do everything perfectly, and that if i tried to make everyone love me, i'd end up hating myself. it was here that i learned how to drive (a truck & not just a tractor) and i am grateful my dad never let me drive an automatic until i mastered a manual--no matter how frustrated i got. 

while i drove down the dirt road to the mail boxes today, that familiar sound of rocks flying up hitting the side of the truck, and the crunch of gravel took me back to the days when i was still unsure of what i wanted and what i truly believed. these were the days when every exploration was an exploration of self. because every experience was a new one, and i had to decide how i was going to handle different situations. back then, i was new at thinking about the world, how it worked, and what place i wanted in it.


it wasn't here, that i answered those questions--that came later--but growing up isn't always about having the answers. sometimes it's about simply being aware enough to ask the questions.


i wish life was like a dirt road sometimes. you can always see someone coming because of the cloud of dust that follows them. as i drove, i noticed someone coming down the road and i realized it was nychea. she realized it was me, and we both skidded to a stop. 


"did you get the mail?" i asked breathlessly. even through all that thinking, i still hadn't lost the missing someone feeling. and i was hoping so much for a letter.


"yeah, nothing." she said in a sad voice.


wow. i couldn't believe it. no way. it was thursday.... there had to be a letter. so i made her hand over the mail for me to go through. yeah, nothing. dismayed, i handily made a 10 point turn in the middle of that narrow dirt road in my dad's big diesel (no big deal). and headed back to the house. shucks, what a waste, i thought. i pulled up to the house, and i saw nychea walking inside with a cookie from subway in her hot little hand (she had soccer practice in town early this morning).


i stole that cookie.


and after all her begging to not, i was just about to stuff it in my mouth when it came out, "no, no, no. pleeeease keisha don't eat it, if you give it back to me, i'll give you something." and she lifts up her shirt. and there, tucked in her waistband, is a beautiful, stickered-within-an-inch-of-its-life, letter. i didn't even have to ask. i ripped that letter right out of there and jumped up and down. i said a lot of "you lied!? you liiieeeeddd!!!???s" and "i knew it! i freaking knew it!s" and then i opened that letter with my chocolate-chippy hands, and tears fell down my cheeks as once again that elder said everything i needed to hear from him. especially the part about a baptismal commitment. i really miss him, but this being apart is so worth it. oh what a morning. but that was a low blow nychea. not funny.


and also i am very proud of the post office for getting that thing to me so fast.


that is all... for now :)

one night (let's see it was august 9th, yes it was) i was driving home from work. i have a very long drive home from work. on the way, i couldn't help but notice the big dipper out my window. there it hung, gigantic in the western sky.


i thought.


wow, there isn't a cloud in the sky. i bet when this big, bright, shining moon goes down the sky is going to be ridiculous. there are no city lights that the stars will have to compete with. no smoggy air. yes, i thought, this will be wonderful.


so i got home around 11:30 (i work late hours, but it's not what you think. ha). and i got in bed next to my cute sister nychea. i planned on setting an alarm and waking up at three so that we could see the billions of tiny lights in the sky after the moon had gone down, but with jordan calling the next day and the diet coke i drank earlier i could see that wasn't going to happen. so i laid there for a while. then i watched a movie. then i laid there some more.


the adrenaline at the thought of hearing jordan's voice again was harder to suppress than i could have imagined. so i laid there a little longer and day dreamed (except it was night time. but i was awake, so how does that work?). then at pretty much exactly 3 am i woke nychea up. and i may or may not have made a video of our little adventure:

star gazing. from Keisha Stewart on Vimeo.

and so, the parts the video missed: laughing super loud up there on that old railroad car and hearing our voices echo off of the metal surface. being really frickin' scared to climb down because it was really frickin' dark with no moon. the cold. i thought it was august? and of course all of the "shooting stars" that we thought were just for us. seriously. there were so many. with streaming tails and different colors. i was in heaven. and "did you see that one!?" "no, i blinked!" yeah, it was like that. rapid fire.


it wasn't until the next morning i realized there was a meteor shower. man are we lucky we chose that night to look at the stars.

It is official. This is serious.

I was on the phone twice today and both times after being told "thank you," I responded not with you're welcome, but with some other nonchalant phrase. And in one case not even actual words but a NOISE. Mhmm?? When did that happen?


Am I that person with no manners that everyone kind of pauses after they speak to and thinks, okay... But then doesn't really say anything because we live in a world where manners aren't really expected anymore? That doesn't mean that they shouldn't be expected or taught, I will teach my kids to be polite and I thought I was polite. [Then again I thought I was a lot of things that other people seem to think I am not]. But anyway, back to the question. Am I that person!?


This is disconcerting to me. I want to express to people when I help them and get thanked for it that it really wasn't a big deal, that I love to serve others and help out. That their phone call didn't interrupt anything terribly important and I actually enjoyed our exchange on the phone even if it was just relaying information to them about the whereabouts of my parents. That they are welcome!

When did I stop saying you're welcome? 

And so, this is a new goal to add to my list: say "you're welcome" when someone tells you thank you.

I don't think that I ever would have thought of this as a problem, except today my great uncle Roger, who I adore, called the house. After a briefing of our activities for the day and promising him that I would give his message to my grandpa he said, "thank you, dear" and I said, "mhmm, bye." Hello!? This is my 80 something-year-old great uncle!? Who grew up in a time when you tipped your hats at ladies when they walked in a room, gave up your seat for any woman who was standing, opened every door for women--even if you didn't know them, and expected manners! I was so disappointed in myself.

Manners. Being polite. Being more thoughtful of the words that come out of my mouth--or lack thereof. Yes, let the challenge begin.

at work on saturday we went for a hike. while we walked across the valley and started our ascent up the mountain side i thought about life, of course. there is something about being in the middle of nowhere that makes your mind ponder life.


here are some things i thought:


i hate when things (dirt, very small rocks, weeds, etc.) get in your shoes when you are walking. hate it. i am so happy that dad changed my oil today before i came to work. he is so handy. i really wish that these girls would walk faster since i have to be in the back. i wonder how many cows it took to make all these cow pies out here. i love the smell of sagebrush. i love mountains. i am so blessed. why am i so lucky? i wonder if any of these girls are going to try and run away while we are out today. i wonder if we'll get to see the sun set from up there. i'm gonna miss this place.


as you can see i don't have the most focused mind. nevertheless, it does serve me well at times, and i got to have a delightsome conversation with one of the girls on the way up there about bullying and how it is a terrible thing and how she should stop. she agreed. this is a big deal coming from a girl who, when i started said things like; "i don't care about any body. i don't care how they feel. i won't ever be nice to anyone unless i feel like it." in our short conversation she saw the light in being charitable. i was so proud.

when we got up the mountain a ways there were some rocks that were perfect for sitting. so sit we did. and we had a group. we sat and took in deep breaths & the beautiful view, then threw rocks down the mountainside as far as we could while yelling things that we wanted to let go of. things that were bringing us down. it was empowering, a little bit ridiculous, a lot a bit loud, and totally and wonderfully healing. at least for me. i threw about six rocks and man did it feel good. [it also felt good knowing i didn't have a lot bringing me down].


we started to make our way down the mountain and then, just as i had hoped, the sun started to set in the western sky. i was breathless.

it only took a few moments for it to disappear behind the mountains in front of me. but i enjoyed every one of those moments.

i love my job. i love having the chance to make a positive difference in the lives of girls who need a role model. i love getting notes from them telling me how much i've helped them. i love working with the horses. i love the wide open spaces. i love the activities we do. i love that i may be making a difference by something i do or say every single day. i love the girls and i admire their fight. i love it all. mostly.


to say this week at work was eventful wouldn't do it justice. i'm telling you, there is n e v e r a dull moment. right when you think things are going smoothly, you are jerked sharply back to reality when another incident occurs.  and maybe a staff member has to go to the er. and maybe i have to work sixteen hours straight. and maybe i almost fall asleep on my drive home because i've been up for so long. but i love that i am kept on my toes at this place.


i am going to be sad to leave in a couple weeks, but i will always have the memories of my time here. i have so much love for the girls that i work with and all i want is for them to succeed. they have opened my eyes to how much help people really do need in this world, and they have opened my heart to a sincere compassion i didn't know i could feel.


i have learned so much from being here. and i hope that they have learned some from me as well. i hope that all of them take up a new sense of self confidence. i hope they all start to really believe in themselves. i hope that they all realize their worth. i hope they all come to know that they deserve whatever they are willing to work for. i hope they don't ever settle for less. i hope so much that they don't forget me, and they don't forget that at least one person out there truly cares.

and i hope that they never let the sunset before they take advantage of the opportunities every day has to offer.

according to my iPhone.

softball games with nychea-tuesday

making shirts with oakley-tuesday night

midnight snack? yes.

flowers-wednesday morning

 volleyball open gym-wednesday night

 bendy straws at racks for lunch-thursday

 optics overload with mom-thursday

 red lips-friday

 "new socks. two socks. whose socks? sue's socks."-saturday

"the moon has won the war, the daylight waits to win.

stay here by my side, we'll watch the struggle start again."

short update on my week:

no letter. this is unfortunate for my family. i haven't been the happiest camper.

lots of time with oakley. gonna miss her so much.

forgot how much i love volleyball. i wanna play again.

school is coming so fast.

i really don't want to leave my family.

i love rural nevada and all its beautiful views.

looking forward to eleshia's wedding this weekend in utah.

can't wait to see jordan's family.

i still miss him.

Friday night I held a girl in my arms as her body shook with violent sobs. This girl has seen the worst of the world. Her life has been harder than I could ever imagine, but still she is fighting. Still she has hope. And although it is frail, and sometimes falters--it never dies.

I feel so blessed to continually be able to experience the best of the world. To have so many things in my life which build my hope and make living wonderful.

Tuesday I got to go on a sister date with Nychea where we had the best sandwiches in town at Economy Drug coupled with my favorite drink of all time--chocolate coke from the old fashioned fountain. We shared pistachio ice cream, secrets, memories... And we laughed. A lot.

Thursday I got to go to Hot Creek with my family and other cute families that are such good friends. I got to swim into the "black hole" that turns a dinky natural hot spring pond into something amazing. The way it looks from above, the swirling black and blue shadows, the shapes you find in the rocks as you hold your breath and swim down trying to go as far as you can before your breath runs out and your ears hurt so bad you can't take it, and still you can't see the bottom. All of God's wonderful creations around me for me to enjoy. Bliss.

Saturday morning I woke up to the smell of desert rain outside of my window. I got to brush my little sister's hair and give her a kiss on her sweet face before she hurried out the door with my brother and grandparents. I got to drive through the falling raindrops as they came down lightly from above, and see the fog lift as the sun raised. I got to play an early-morning game of beach volleyball and feel the sand between my toes. I got to laugh with my friends. I got to drive across rural Nevada on my way to work and experience the wonder of the wide-open spaces around me all day.

And Sunday, well Sunday, I got to go to church. And I got to take the sacrament for the first time in a long time. And I got to feel Christ's loving arms wrap around me and comfort me as I reflected on my journey to get to that point. I got to hear The Spirit whisper into my heart that I was on the right track. I got to listen to my little brother play "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." And as the words silently resounded in my mind, I got to feel the squeeze of my little sister's hand as tears of gratitude and joy fell off my cheeks. 

Sunday night I got to go on an outing for work to a cave. It wasn’t one of those fancy-pants caves with lights and handrails. No, it was rough, and rugged, and dangerous. And I loved it. We took seven girls with us and as the cave went on and on and onnnnn, we got more and more muddy. Pretty soon we were covered from head to toe (literally since 4 of the girls lost their shoes and their socks in a mud filled trench inside). The cave stole shoes, a pair of glasses, and all of our dignity. There wasn’t one of us who didn’t fall flat on our face at some point. And I cut my leg on a rock. Yep. Did I say there was mud? Because there was MUD.

I love my life. And I am thankful for every part of it & for 

h o p e.