Friday night I held a girl in my arms as her body shook with violent sobs. This girl has seen the worst of the world. Her life has been harder than I could ever imagine, but still she is fighting. Still she has hope. And although it is frail, and sometimes falters--it never dies.

I feel so blessed to continually be able to experience the best of the world. To have so many things in my life which build my hope and make living wonderful.

Tuesday I got to go on a sister date with Nychea where we had the best sandwiches in town at Economy Drug coupled with my favorite drink of all time--chocolate coke from the old fashioned fountain. We shared pistachio ice cream, secrets, memories... And we laughed. A lot.

Thursday I got to go to Hot Creek with my family and other cute families that are such good friends. I got to swim into the "black hole" that turns a dinky natural hot spring pond into something amazing. The way it looks from above, the swirling black and blue shadows, the shapes you find in the rocks as you hold your breath and swim down trying to go as far as you can before your breath runs out and your ears hurt so bad you can't take it, and still you can't see the bottom. All of God's wonderful creations around me for me to enjoy. Bliss.

Saturday morning I woke up to the smell of desert rain outside of my window. I got to brush my little sister's hair and give her a kiss on her sweet face before she hurried out the door with my brother and grandparents. I got to drive through the falling raindrops as they came down lightly from above, and see the fog lift as the sun raised. I got to play an early-morning game of beach volleyball and feel the sand between my toes. I got to laugh with my friends. I got to drive across rural Nevada on my way to work and experience the wonder of the wide-open spaces around me all day.

And Sunday, well Sunday, I got to go to church. And I got to take the sacrament for the first time in a long time. And I got to feel Christ's loving arms wrap around me and comfort me as I reflected on my journey to get to that point. I got to hear The Spirit whisper into my heart that I was on the right track. I got to listen to my little brother play "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." And as the words silently resounded in my mind, I got to feel the squeeze of my little sister's hand as tears of gratitude and joy fell off my cheeks. 

Sunday night I got to go on an outing for work to a cave. It wasn’t one of those fancy-pants caves with lights and handrails. No, it was rough, and rugged, and dangerous. And I loved it. We took seven girls with us and as the cave went on and on and onnnnn, we got more and more muddy. Pretty soon we were covered from head to toe (literally since 4 of the girls lost their shoes and their socks in a mud filled trench inside). The cave stole shoes, a pair of glasses, and all of our dignity. There wasn’t one of us who didn’t fall flat on our face at some point. And I cut my leg on a rock. Yep. Did I say there was mud? Because there was MUD.

I love my life. And I am thankful for every part of it & for 

h o p e.

"Faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow."

At every still moment, I almost always find myself reflecting on my decision to come back to church and how much it has blessed my life.  I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for orchestrating a way for this change to happen.  Some days I look back on all that has transpired and silently say a prayer of thanks to be in the place I am.

I have a great testimony of the strength that Christ provides you with if you but make the tiniest effort to try and do what is right.  Looking back at the beginning of my journey, I remember how impossible it seemed. I remember feeling completely hopeless about the task in front of me.  I had to change my entire life. I had to change how I thought about everything. I had to give up a lot. The very idea seemed unachievable.

I frequently ponder the prayers that I said during that time in my life, and how my sacrifices were met with blessings.  So many amazing people have come into my life since that very first day, and I know that because they had perviously chosen to follow Jesus Christ, they were in a position to be instruments in His hands to help me walk back to the path. I am so thankful that there are stronger people than me out there,that they are so willing to serve others, and that they think of themselves last, but surely not least. I know that without them, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't.

Neal A. Maxwell said in a talk given at a BYU Women's Conference a few years ago that, during the course of conversion we are well watched over. He says, "Mercifully, the whisperings of the Spirit nudge us along the path in an almost private process. Through it all we will need to be strong enough for ourselves but also strong enough to help others, because there will be immigrants arriving from Babylon—there will even be some defectors from the “great and spacious building” (1 Ne. 8:26)—and they need to encounter people like you."

This road hasn't always been easy, but it will always be worth it.  I strive to become like the people that helped me on my way, and I do all I can to try and help other's to come unto Christ. To feel of His love and to recognize all the tools that He has given us on this Earth to grow. I know that My Redeemer lives, and that He loves us. This knowledge has given me more peace & hope than I could have ever imagined, and nothing in this world is worth losing that.

I pray everyday that I may better serve Him. That in some small, totally insignificant way I may feebly attempt to pay back the debt that I owe--or don't owe for that matter (thanks to Him). That He may be proud that I am a disciple of His. I am far, far, far from perfect; but I am trying.

It is so nice to know that I don't have to compete.
My worth is not measured by how many people call me their friend, by how many guys give me attention, or by what other people think of me.
It doesn't matter how cute my clothes are, or how nice of a car I drive.
I am here because I am a child of God and I know that He loves me & watches over me.
I am all I am because of my family. They love me no matter what, and they are great examples to me.
My bishop once gave me a blessing when I was going through a r e a l l y hard time and in it he said, "may you be blessed with a deeper concern for what your Father in Heaven thinks than what others do, and may your choices not be affected by what your peers think of you."
I know that if I strive to keep His commandments, His promises to me will be kept. I have sacred covenants to keep, and I have been promised blessings in return.
It is so nice to know that all I have to do is be myself. I don't have to try and impress people, I don't have to "win." I just have to be kind & loving, meek & mild, and God will take care of everything for me.
There is a great peace that comes with knowing that He has everything under control, that I don't have to worry about what anyone else is doing or saying, I just have to worry about me.
Am I pleasing the Lord? Am I doing my best?

I have been made a precious promise--one that I hold close to my heart; that love & marriage will come "at the appropriate time and place." This is a weight lifted off my shoulders. 
I don't have to chase, I just have to wait patiently. Quietly doing what I know is right. I just have to let go and let God deal with it.
‎As Neal A, Maxwell once said, "Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity."
In other words, not everyone will love me, but I can strive to love everyone.
And also, Jesus commanded that we love everyone, and treat them kindly too. So this is what I strive to do.
Charity never failleth, and I am not scared anymore. Actually, I'm fearless. Faith has made me fearless.
I don't love with walls, I don't question and second guess.
I no longer assume that I am lied to and deceived. 
I trust with an open heart, I love with all I have, and I know that if I am deceived, if I am lied to; it is not my battle to fight, not my case to prove.
So when you say, "I love you." I believe you. I trust you. And I love you too.
There is a part of "My Banner Will Be Clear" that I recite in my head often. It says,

 "I no longer need preeminence, positions, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded."

I know that the promises that have been made to me are real. I know that God lives. 

I don't claim to be perfect, and I still have days where I have to remind myself of what is important and try and forget about what is not. 

I refuse to feel angry or jealous. I refuse to be worried and troubled. All these negative emotions keep me from helping others and keep me concentrating on myself. There is no glory in self-pity. 

So I give up. You win.

Madi & I waiting for the train

Ever since Madison and I started talking every single day, we have been waiting for the day that we could hang out again! One day we were talking and I just decided right then and there that I was coming to Utah to see her, so I bought a plane ticket.  We counted down the days for over a month and on May 12th the day finally arrived! With my bags packed, Kobee dropped me off at the airport and I flew to Salt Lake to come see Madison.  Although I was sad to say good-bye to Kobee, I was excited to come to Salt Lake!

I landed around 4:00 p.m. on that Thursday afternoon and Madison met me at the airport. I figured she would just pick me up outside, but to my surprise she was standing in the airport waiting for me :]  I was so happy to see her! We hugged for a long time, making the appropriate squealing noises, then just caught up and waited for my bags.  We then drove back to her house where we sat and talked, exchanged birthday gifts and ate dinner.  Her mom is a g r e a t cook so I was excited to dig into a homemade meal that I didn't have to prepare!


After dinner we ran to the store to rent a movie from the Redbox and get some Heaven on Earth, (aka Half Baked Ben & Jerry's ice cream).  When we got back to her house we got in our PJ's, gave each other facials and pedicures, and enjoyed our ice cream while we watched Unstoppable.  Nothing like a little Denzel Washington right before bed. :]


The next morning we got ready and headed to Layton Station to catch the Front Runner to Salt Lake City. For those of you that don't know, Unstoppable is about a run-away train, so it was pretty funny that we were getting on one after watching that movie the night before. 

When we got to the city we jumped on the other train, UTA Trax, and went to The Gateway Mall to do a little shopping. Madison got a bowl (it's a real treasure) from Anthropology, and we both got a "Wreck This Journal" from Urban Outfitters.  

It is a journal that basically gives you instructions on how to ruin it. Haha.  We ate lunch at Applebee's and then took Trax up to Temple Square.

Yummy :]

I was so excited to go see the Temple and just spend some time
at the Visitors Centers there. Everything was so beautiful :] it truly was a perfect day.  It was warm and there wasn't a cloud in the sky as we walked around the gorgeous grounds surrounding the temple.  

There were flowers in every direction and the trees and grass were so perfectly green.  I was mesmerized. While we were there we saw:

The Temple of course :]

The Famous Tabernacle and its organ...

The Conference Center

The Christus

At 4:30 we went and watched the new version of the Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration movie.  They changed it so that people who aren't members of the church can better understand the story.  The old version assumed that whoever was watching already had a lot of knowledge about church history.  As always, the movie was amazing. I can't imagine the scorn that came Joseph's way as he proclaimed that he had seen a vision, and I gained a deep gratitude for the early Saints and their strength.  They were badly persecuted, but they continued to build up the Church and many of them sacrificed almost all they had and moved West when the time came.  The story of the Church is such a testament to me that God is watching over us all and helping us to do the things that need to be done on this Earth.  With out His help I know that the Church never would have lasted.


After the movie Madison and I walked over to Deseret Book to meet my mom who was in town for a doctor's appointment.  She was going to Pleasant Grove to my aunt's and that is where we wanted to go so she came and picked us up.  Lucky me, she bought me new scriptures while we were there too :) yay!

That's right ;)

We got to my aunt's house and hung out for a little bit, but then left to go to a concert. Oh yeah, funny story: so Madison (my best friend) is now dating my cousin Jaxon.  That is why we were going down there really, so that they could hang out:] so a huge group of us went to a concert/block party at Provo Town Square.  It was really fun. A few bands played (including J.Wride and Vibrant Sound), and Sammy's provided free hot dogs for everyone. We had a blast and got to dance a lot.

After the concert we went to In-N-Out to grab some food, and then we went to Ricky's house, one of Jaxon's friends that we were with.  He plays the guitar and sings, so we just sat and listened to him for a while, I ended up singing with him a little bit too.  It was really fun.  He is really talented.

Once Ricky ran out of songs to sing us, at about midnight, we headed back to Jaxon's and c r a s h e d after our long day! It was fun but totally exhausting. I was so happy to get to see my family and spend some good quality time with Madison! Oh how I missed that lady!! :]

That very first weekend after I decided to go back to church (end of February--ish), I was feeling discouraged and alone. Although it was a fleeting thought, I was tempted to give up some days. One day a very wise woman (Madison), told me that I should go to the temple and just sit right inside the doors to read my scriptures.

I decided that this was a good idea, so I drove up to the temple in Reno and took some pictures before I went inside.


Here are the pictures I took:

Once inside, I felt peaceful and calm as I began to read in 2 Nephi.  In chapter 2 I got to verse 24 and was deeply touched as I read these words: "But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things." I was once again reassured that my Heavenly Father knew me, and loved me. His plan is a perfect one.

"You are never lost when you can see the temple. The temple will provide direction for you and your family in a world filled with chaos. It is an eternal guidepost which will help you from getting lost in the 'mist of darkness.'" - Gary E. Stevenson

Going up to the temple helped me to remember what matters most, and I gained the strength that I needed to continue on the path that I had chosen, despite how hard it seemed.