I am going to catch up at some point, but for now...

 

I would just like to say; I am so extremely excited for Thanksgiving. Mostly because of two things:

Samuel Paul Burdick

[in my presence again]

AND

approximately

50 of the World's Greatest Stewart Family members.

What else could I ever ask for?

I already know that there will be a lot of hugging and this scream/squeal thing that my sisters and I tend to do when we are reunited with our aunts.

There will be more laughing than is even fathomable to most people. My family is absolutely, irrefutably, thee funniest family around. Between my dad & my uncle's jokes, and their wives attitudes, there is never a dull moment.

We will play catch phrase. We will tell embarrassing stories. We will eat a lot of scrumptious food. We will smile until our cheeks hurt. We will visit temple square. We will stay up late talking about life, and telling stories. 

And it will all end way too soon.

If I was an artist and could paint a picture of what Thanksgiving was like to me, I would paint big smiles, tears (we laugh so hard & love so deeply that we all cry at some point), hugging, thank yous, kisses, and food. But more feelings and things come to mind when I think of family gatherings that you can't even depict in an image: 

LOVE

Memories

 growth 

 warmth

HAPPINESS

deliciousness

Joy

excellence

UNDERSTANDING

Acceptance

heart

SECURITY

I really can't wait.

PHOTO via

“if love is a labor i’ll slave ‘til the end…” – rise against

on friday [9.2.11] megan and i kicked off our labor day weekend with a little bootcamp action. it’s this fun thing we’ve been doing together that is also known as: we go to the gym for an hour and a trainer pushes us and about 10-15 other poor souls to the point of almost throwing up. we love it. but also hate it at the same time, you know?

and megan is way stronger than me because she has been doing it for way longer, but then i see this little tid-bit on the wall at the gym:

so then how can i complain, right?

running on the indoor track with her during our workout sure takes me back to my years of running high school track with her by my side. we broke the state record in the 4x800m relay my freshman, her junior year. man, those were the days. she always had my back, even though we were competing. we pushed each other a lot, and that sibling rivalry drove us to work harder in practice everyday. good times.

after bootcamp we had a long over-due sister date. since i’ve been back we haven’t been able to spend a ton of time together, but we got some dinner at buffalo wild wings & then went and watched the help. best movie i have seen in a long, long time. i can’t say enough great things about it. seriously, so good. and megan so lovingly paid for me since i am so poor. gosh i love sisters, i am one lucky girl.

but it’ not always easy, loving someone. because when you do, you have to make all kinds of sacrifices for them. like borrowing your one sister’s car to drive to your other sister’s soccer game that is an hour away because your car needs new tires. then the car has no air conditioning and black leather interior and it’s 100 degrees outside. so then you are all sweating & all hot & all not sexy like. and your shirt is all wet on your back and your jeans are all damp and uncomfortable. that is ALL love, people.

 

it is also love to sit in the hot sun all day just so you can hang out with said sister. and to cancel your hair cut so you can stay and watch another game. also, i think that going to the store and getting her water in that hot car again counts as love, too. but i would do it all again tomorrow if i could. because it was all worth it when she said, “thanks for coming to my game sissy.” and everyday that we are on this earth together it will be worth it. because how nice is it to know that you have a best friend for the rest of forever? how great does it feel to know that when no one else particularly likes you, and people are telling you that you suck, you have like 3, THREE, three amazing sisters that will be there for you and love you no matter what.

i would go to hell and back (or in this case, fallon) for any of my sisters. the benefits of loving someone and having them always far out weigh the sacrifices that are made. and soon, sacrifices aren’t noticed because they turn into what you actually want to do. you want to drive to fallon on a saturday and love on your sis and embarrass her in front of her friends.

sunday was another great day at the singles ward and a yummy break-the-fast lunch. it was a nap in my dress between the two functions and then a kidnapping by my megan sister to the rib cook-off. the famous, "Nugget, Best-In-The-West, Rib Cook-off." people come from everywhere, people. there are soooo many ribs. you can smell them all cooking for miles upon miles and man--there is nothing like 'em. it is one of thee top reasons why i keep coming back to reno every fall, ha. seriously though.

megan & i ate at texas outlaws. they won first place this year, and it was well deserved. we also enjoyed some delicious fire-roasted corn on the cob & fresh-squeezed (not squoze) lemonade. we sat and reminisced about our first semester at unr when we could barely afford to eat there (a half rack of ribs is usually around $13, a full one about $23, corn: 2 for $7, lemonade: large for $5) but went anyway. oh the good 'ol days.

monday was an extra-long session of boot camp for the holiday. then i got my haircut, finally. and really just had a nice catch-up day before week two of the semester started. thank goodness for holidays! :)

so this morning i woke up in the recliner. not sure what time i fell asleep last night, but i was surprised to find myself there. yesterday was a l o n g day.


i woke up with a pain in my chest. that missing someone pain. and it was realll strong today. i also woke up with a worry in my heart. i'm leaving this place so soon. when i graduated and left home, i never thought it'd be like this. i never thought i'd be like this. coming home and staying for more than a few days has forced me to remember how much i love this place. i can try and deny it all i want, but i know that this place is me, and i have found myself again in this place.


i always used to tell people that i grew up in bear lake, and then moved here when i was in jr. high. the truth is, i grew up here. in bear lake i was just a kid, and i love the me that i was then. i love the many many memories that i have from that time, but those memories are unlike any that i have had since. then, i was just me. every part of me was owned and unapologetic. back then i never entertained thoughts about what other people thought of me. i was never curious if my friends really liked me for me, or if they were just bored and didn't have anyone else to play with or talk to. when boys chased me on the playground and told me that they had a crush on me i never wondered why, i just believed them. i took it all in without a filter, without doubt. i was comfortable in my own skin, and i was carefree.


my biggest wounds were on my knees from falling off my bike, or on my elbows from crashing on my rollerblades. there was no heartbreak, no lasting injuries. i never felt a pain that my mother couldn't fix. i had adventures on my bike with my best friend who also happened to be my sister. our chores got done because we wanted to go to the bakery and get penny candies or to the video store and rent clueless for the millionth time or to the ranch to play in the creek or see the piglets. i rode my horse bareback and fearless. never worried about falling, because i knew that if i did all i had to do was get back on. the memory of the dirt in my face after getting bucked off of moonbeam and my dad wiping my tears, but not letting me give up will always help me get back on. i was secure and loved. no, bear lake is not the place that i grew up.


this morning as i got in my dad's chevy i realized that this place is where i grew up. because this place challenged me. it was new, and i was scared. it was here that i learned to stand up for myself. it was here that i learned to never apologize for being good at something. it was here that i learned that i wasn't going to always do everything perfectly, and that if i tried to make everyone love me, i'd end up hating myself. it was here that i learned how to drive (a truck & not just a tractor) and i am grateful my dad never let me drive an automatic until i mastered a manual--no matter how frustrated i got. 

while i drove down the dirt road to the mail boxes today, that familiar sound of rocks flying up hitting the side of the truck, and the crunch of gravel took me back to the days when i was still unsure of what i wanted and what i truly believed. these were the days when every exploration was an exploration of self. because every experience was a new one, and i had to decide how i was going to handle different situations. back then, i was new at thinking about the world, how it worked, and what place i wanted in it.


it wasn't here, that i answered those questions--that came later--but growing up isn't always about having the answers. sometimes it's about simply being aware enough to ask the questions.


i wish life was like a dirt road sometimes. you can always see someone coming because of the cloud of dust that follows them. as i drove, i noticed someone coming down the road and i realized it was nychea. she realized it was me, and we both skidded to a stop. 


"did you get the mail?" i asked breathlessly. even through all that thinking, i still hadn't lost the missing someone feeling. and i was hoping so much for a letter.


"yeah, nothing." she said in a sad voice.


wow. i couldn't believe it. no way. it was thursday.... there had to be a letter. so i made her hand over the mail for me to go through. yeah, nothing. dismayed, i handily made a 10 point turn in the middle of that narrow dirt road in my dad's big diesel (no big deal). and headed back to the house. shucks, what a waste, i thought. i pulled up to the house, and i saw nychea walking inside with a cookie from subway in her hot little hand (she had soccer practice in town early this morning).


i stole that cookie.


and after all her begging to not, i was just about to stuff it in my mouth when it came out, "no, no, no. pleeeease keisha don't eat it, if you give it back to me, i'll give you something." and she lifts up her shirt. and there, tucked in her waistband, is a beautiful, stickered-within-an-inch-of-its-life, letter. i didn't even have to ask. i ripped that letter right out of there and jumped up and down. i said a lot of "you lied!? you liiieeeeddd!!!???s" and "i knew it! i freaking knew it!s" and then i opened that letter with my chocolate-chippy hands, and tears fell down my cheeks as once again that elder said everything i needed to hear from him. especially the part about a baptismal commitment. i really miss him, but this being apart is so worth it. oh what a morning. but that was a low blow nychea. not funny.


and also i am very proud of the post office for getting that thing to me so fast.


that is all... for now :)

It is so nice to know that I don't have to compete.
My worth is not measured by how many people call me their friend, by how many guys give me attention, or by what other people think of me.
It doesn't matter how cute my clothes are, or how nice of a car I drive.
I am here because I am a child of God and I know that He loves me & watches over me.
I am all I am because of my family. They love me no matter what, and they are great examples to me.
My bishop once gave me a blessing when I was going through a r e a l l y hard time and in it he said, "may you be blessed with a deeper concern for what your Father in Heaven thinks than what others do, and may your choices not be affected by what your peers think of you."
I know that if I strive to keep His commandments, His promises to me will be kept. I have sacred covenants to keep, and I have been promised blessings in return.
It is so nice to know that all I have to do is be myself. I don't have to try and impress people, I don't have to "win." I just have to be kind & loving, meek & mild, and God will take care of everything for me.
There is a great peace that comes with knowing that He has everything under control, that I don't have to worry about what anyone else is doing or saying, I just have to worry about me.
Am I pleasing the Lord? Am I doing my best?

I have been made a precious promise--one that I hold close to my heart; that love & marriage will come "at the appropriate time and place." This is a weight lifted off my shoulders. 
I don't have to chase, I just have to wait patiently. Quietly doing what I know is right. I just have to let go and let God deal with it.
‎As Neal A, Maxwell once said, "Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity."
In other words, not everyone will love me, but I can strive to love everyone.
And also, Jesus commanded that we love everyone, and treat them kindly too. So this is what I strive to do.
Charity never failleth, and I am not scared anymore. Actually, I'm fearless. Faith has made me fearless.
I don't love with walls, I don't question and second guess.
I no longer assume that I am lied to and deceived. 
I trust with an open heart, I love with all I have, and I know that if I am deceived, if I am lied to; it is not my battle to fight, not my case to prove.
So when you say, "I love you." I believe you. I trust you. And I love you too.
There is a part of "My Banner Will Be Clear" that I recite in my head often. It says,

 "I no longer need preeminence, positions, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded."

I know that the promises that have been made to me are real. I know that God lives. 

I don't claim to be perfect, and I still have days where I have to remind myself of what is important and try and forget about what is not. 

I refuse to feel angry or jealous. I refuse to be worried and troubled. All these negative emotions keep me from helping others and keep me concentrating on myself. There is no glory in self-pity. 

So I give up. You win.

As I started this Spring semester at the University of Nevada I found everyday a struggle.  I had recently been kicked out of my apartment by two of my closest "friends," my boyfriend broke up with me, and everything that I had relied on to make me happy was ripped out from under me.  I found myself in a new apartment with pretty much a complete stranger, hundreds of miles from home, and for the first time in my life I felt homesick.

The days seemed to drag on and on.  I would randomly burst into tears about every ten minutes, I was sad, and lonely and I tried everything (very recklessly) to try and make myself feel better, but nothing worked.

I had never experienced this kind of sadness before.  I have always been a really happy person and never had a problem picking myself up, but this time, I just couldn't.  I couldn't eat because my throat felt so tight that every time I tried to swallow I felt like I would throw up.  I had a constant, wrenching pain in my stomach; it felt as if I had a hole there that throbbed with a constant aching pain all the time.  The only thing that made this pain go away was running, but since I couldn't eat, that wasn't very effective.  I felt dizzy all the time, and I was scared. 

After a couple weeks of this, in early February, I was really nervous. I called my mom and asked her to please come and see me that weekend, thinking that this would definitely make me feel better.  Although her presence and loving arms helped a little, I still didn't feel okay.  When she left, everything went back to exactly how it was before, and I was miserable.

As everyone knows, when you break up with someone it is never a clean break, so for the first part of February my relationship went back and forth.  I was torn apart by this roller-coaster ride of emotional ups & downs, never knowing who to trust, not even trusting myself.  On February 19th my boyfriend broke up with me for the fourth time in one month--maybe that is my fault, but I was once again devastated.  I was so hurt, and I felt rejected and alone.

I started wondering why I was even alive, I knew I was in school and I was getting good grades but I wondered what the point of any of it was. I felt like I was living in a whirlwind, nothing made sense, and everything felt completely out of control. My thoughts started to scare me... and so I offered up a simple prayer.  I asked my Heavenly Father to please, please take this feeling away from me.  To please allow me to let go of my ex-boyfriend, to strengthen me, and to comfort me.  Every time I prayed I kept seeing the same thing in the back of my head.  It was the Institute of Religion building on campus.  I had driven by it and knew where it was, I think I even walked through there on a bad day when I first got to school, but I had never spent much time there.  Every time I would pray I would get really angry that the feelings of sadness I was having would not go away, and that I kept seeing that s t u p i d building in my head! I would basically say to myself, "alright give me something else because I am not going there...I refuse."

The Picture of Christ

After a couple days of this--praying and getting the same answer--I decided to go.  It was a Wednesday morning and I was sitting in my Core Humanities class with tears streaming down my face.  I was counting the minutes down until my class was over and immediately I got out of my chair and headed for the institute building. It seemed that I couldn't get there fast enough, and as I opened the doors and stepped inside I knew why. I turned to my left, and there a giant picture of Christ hung on the wall above the couch in the foyer. Immediately that hopeless, sick, tormented feeling inside me just disappeared.  I was left with a peace inside of my heart and a sure knowledge that everything would be okay.

To me, this was a bigger miracle than the parting of the Red Sea. I had tried tirelessly to lift myself up, to try and tell myself that everything would be okay, to comfort myself, and nothing worked.  There was a power beyond my own that came into my heart and reassured me that everything would be okay, that everything was just as it should be, and that comforted me.  I know that this comfort came from the Holy Ghost. I know that only he can offer that kind of peacefulness and calm to my soul, and at that moment I knew that everything I had been told my whole life about my Heavenly Father and His plan for us was true.

Then and there I decided that I would do anything to keep that peace in my heart.  No sacrifice became too great, nothing else seemed more appealing than that simple peace I had received. I sat in the institute building for hours, no one knew me (and I am pretty sure they thought I was some psycho). I sat there as the tears kept pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I was so grateful that I could not stop crying, and I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to lose that peace.  I ended up going to a class that day, and as we sang the opening hymn I couldn't utter one word without bursting into tears yet again.  I don't remember what hymn it was, but I do remember it saying something about coming unto the Savior.

As I pondered the meaning of the words that were being sung, I started wondering if Christ was feeling as rejected by me as I was by my ex-boyfriend.  Just as I was so willing to just be with him and love him, Christ has always been there, willing to forgive me of all my sins, to save me from my sorrows, and to let me feel of his unconditional, everlasting love for me. This thought made my heart hurt as I thought of all the times that I had let Him down, of all the people that I had hurt, of all the pain that my choices had brought to myself, and of the suffering that He had to bear for all of those moments when I was hurting.  All my pain and heartbreak--He felt it, and it would not have ever existed if I had just simply followed God's plan for me.

Later that day I went home and called my mom.  I cried as I told her how much I missed my ex-boyfriend, of how I didn't know what I was going to do without him...she only said to me, "Keisha, you just need to get your priorities straight.  We had a lesson in family home evening about priorities on Monday and your first priority should always be to, 'First, seek ye the Kingdom of God.'"  We had many conversations like this one, every time I complained about anything she would pretty much say something like this to me, so I threw some smart remark back at her and told her how I had gone to institute that day.  She was a little impressed but she didn't let it get her hopes up since she had been struggling for two years to try and get me to do the right thing.  She only said, "Remember Keisha, 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.' - Proverbs 3:5-6"  

I was still upset, but I posted this verse as my status on Facebook. Right after I posted it Madison "liked" it...and then I suddenly remembered that for some reason I had been thinking about Madison a lot the past couple of weeks.  It was strange because I hadn't seen her in two years, and we hadn't really kept in touch, even over Facebook.  All of the sudden I had a very strong prompting that I needed to talk to her, so I messaged her my number and asked her to call me.

Not even five minutes later my phone started ringing and I knew that Madison was on the other line.  I just remember her saying, "what's up babe?" and I immediately burst into tears.  I preceded to tell her the details about my recently ended relationship and, and she told me of her own four year relationship and she had to let go of in order to do what she knew was right. We talked for hours and hours, and I told her all about that day and how I had felt. At the end of our conversation she basically said, "so what are you going to do about it?"

It was then that I decided I would call my bishop, I would make things right, and I would find my way back to the person I knew that I was. The very next day I talked to my bishop before I could talk myself out of it, and I started to change my direction. The entire life that I had built since I went to Reno had to change.  I thought that it would be impossible, I didn't know anyone that went to church, I had to give up so much, and I didn't know if I could do it. I know now, without a doubt, that the Lord has provided ways for us to do the things that we need to do in order to be closer to him and do his work. Everything that happened to me helped to humble me so that I was in a place where I would seek Him.  People that have come into my life and become a big part of it, particularly Madison, have been placed in my life for a very specific purpose.

My once "stranger" of a roommate became a good friend and she supported me in my decision to change my life.  I know that if I had been living where I was before I would not have been in an environment where my change would have been accepted or supported.

The last three months have been hard, but I am happier than I have been since I can remember.  I have found a new friend in Madison and because our friendship has been built upon the gospel, I can feel how much that strengthens it.  I am learning that everything needs to be built upon the gospel if you want it to last.

I was raised with a great and empowering knowledge that I am a child of God who loves me, and I forgot that.  I forgot that "I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission which I will strive to fulfill." My actions were not coherent with what I knew to be true about life, about God's plan, and about myself. I know that God watches over us and directs our paths.  I know that if it were not for Him I would probably not be here right now, and I now know that His plan is the only one that can bring true and lasting peace and happiness.

I am excited to continually serve Him; to "take upon me the name of [His] son," and be a disciple of Jesus Christ.  I am far from perfect. I have a lot left to do in this life, but I have a strong desire to follow Him.  I know that Christ lives, I know that he loves us.   I know that he died for the sins of the world that all may be saved if they believe on His name and are baptized. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children and that if we follow his plan we will be happy.