"He gave me my eyes that I may see the color of butterfly wings..."

8.21.11

Oh I know those words well... one of my favorite primary songs, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me," wrapped up my summer in Lund. Lucky me, I got to sing it as a solo in church on my last day at home. I was so nervous. But that day was great--everything about it. The smiling faces at church, that amazing lesson on sacrifice, the wispy clouds in the bright blue sky, that giant field of sun flowers, and yes, the color of butterfly wings.

I was sad to leave. Like really sad. Nychea made me cry at the door dang it. And I drove that six hours by myself back to Reno. I left behind the wide open spaces, the amazing Sunday dinners, my mom being at an arms length away, a job I really loved, and that security you always feel when you're at home.


I'm going to miss my family a lot. I used to want to be so far away, but now all I want is to be closer. I am so grateful, though, that I got to be home this summer. I needed that so much. I loved every minute of it--even chasing the piglets when they got out. Those little oinkers.


Some positives about a six hour drive alone:

-you can stop and take pictures and no one complains.

-you get to play your music as loud as you want and sing as loud as you want, too.

-you notice how beautiful--oh I don't know--EVERYTHING, is.

-you can think a lot.

-yeah, I'm fresh out of positives at this point.

So I'm back! 

you were a little kid and you couldn't sleep the night before the first day of school?

you had your whole outfit for the next day laid out and ready to go?

you could hardly wait to see who was in your class that year?

school starts tomorrow. yikes.

i'm so excited though. i'm so ready for this semester. i have a new strength in me. it's called: i know that my redeemer lives.

this semester i am armed with my rediscovered testimony, a father's blessing, a singles ward that i l o v e, my j sandwich (jen & joyceann), the institute--which i can never express enough gratitude for, letters from a sweet boy, and the deepest sense of peace & comfort in my heart.

15 credits. no job yet. a sweet set up with one of my favorite professors writing a grant together & getting three 400 level credits for it (independent study, yes thank you). two book of mormon classes. and a whole lotta fun. 

bring it on, fall 2011. bring. it. on.

so this morning i woke up in the recliner. not sure what time i fell asleep last night, but i was surprised to find myself there. yesterday was a l o n g day.


i woke up with a pain in my chest. that missing someone pain. and it was realll strong today. i also woke up with a worry in my heart. i'm leaving this place so soon. when i graduated and left home, i never thought it'd be like this. i never thought i'd be like this. coming home and staying for more than a few days has forced me to remember how much i love this place. i can try and deny it all i want, but i know that this place is me, and i have found myself again in this place.


i always used to tell people that i grew up in bear lake, and then moved here when i was in jr. high. the truth is, i grew up here. in bear lake i was just a kid, and i love the me that i was then. i love the many many memories that i have from that time, but those memories are unlike any that i have had since. then, i was just me. every part of me was owned and unapologetic. back then i never entertained thoughts about what other people thought of me. i was never curious if my friends really liked me for me, or if they were just bored and didn't have anyone else to play with or talk to. when boys chased me on the playground and told me that they had a crush on me i never wondered why, i just believed them. i took it all in without a filter, without doubt. i was comfortable in my own skin, and i was carefree.


my biggest wounds were on my knees from falling off my bike, or on my elbows from crashing on my rollerblades. there was no heartbreak, no lasting injuries. i never felt a pain that my mother couldn't fix. i had adventures on my bike with my best friend who also happened to be my sister. our chores got done because we wanted to go to the bakery and get penny candies or to the video store and rent clueless for the millionth time or to the ranch to play in the creek or see the piglets. i rode my horse bareback and fearless. never worried about falling, because i knew that if i did all i had to do was get back on. the memory of the dirt in my face after getting bucked off of moonbeam and my dad wiping my tears, but not letting me give up will always help me get back on. i was secure and loved. no, bear lake is not the place that i grew up.


this morning as i got in my dad's chevy i realized that this place is where i grew up. because this place challenged me. it was new, and i was scared. it was here that i learned to stand up for myself. it was here that i learned to never apologize for being good at something. it was here that i learned that i wasn't going to always do everything perfectly, and that if i tried to make everyone love me, i'd end up hating myself. it was here that i learned how to drive (a truck & not just a tractor) and i am grateful my dad never let me drive an automatic until i mastered a manual--no matter how frustrated i got. 

while i drove down the dirt road to the mail boxes today, that familiar sound of rocks flying up hitting the side of the truck, and the crunch of gravel took me back to the days when i was still unsure of what i wanted and what i truly believed. these were the days when every exploration was an exploration of self. because every experience was a new one, and i had to decide how i was going to handle different situations. back then, i was new at thinking about the world, how it worked, and what place i wanted in it.


it wasn't here, that i answered those questions--that came later--but growing up isn't always about having the answers. sometimes it's about simply being aware enough to ask the questions.


i wish life was like a dirt road sometimes. you can always see someone coming because of the cloud of dust that follows them. as i drove, i noticed someone coming down the road and i realized it was nychea. she realized it was me, and we both skidded to a stop. 


"did you get the mail?" i asked breathlessly. even through all that thinking, i still hadn't lost the missing someone feeling. and i was hoping so much for a letter.


"yeah, nothing." she said in a sad voice.


wow. i couldn't believe it. no way. it was thursday.... there had to be a letter. so i made her hand over the mail for me to go through. yeah, nothing. dismayed, i handily made a 10 point turn in the middle of that narrow dirt road in my dad's big diesel (no big deal). and headed back to the house. shucks, what a waste, i thought. i pulled up to the house, and i saw nychea walking inside with a cookie from subway in her hot little hand (she had soccer practice in town early this morning).


i stole that cookie.


and after all her begging to not, i was just about to stuff it in my mouth when it came out, "no, no, no. pleeeease keisha don't eat it, if you give it back to me, i'll give you something." and she lifts up her shirt. and there, tucked in her waistband, is a beautiful, stickered-within-an-inch-of-its-life, letter. i didn't even have to ask. i ripped that letter right out of there and jumped up and down. i said a lot of "you lied!? you liiieeeeddd!!!???s" and "i knew it! i freaking knew it!s" and then i opened that letter with my chocolate-chippy hands, and tears fell down my cheeks as once again that elder said everything i needed to hear from him. especially the part about a baptismal commitment. i really miss him, but this being apart is so worth it. oh what a morning. but that was a low blow nychea. not funny.


and also i am very proud of the post office for getting that thing to me so fast.


that is all... for now :)

at work on saturday we went for a hike. while we walked across the valley and started our ascent up the mountain side i thought about life, of course. there is something about being in the middle of nowhere that makes your mind ponder life.


here are some things i thought:


i hate when things (dirt, very small rocks, weeds, etc.) get in your shoes when you are walking. hate it. i am so happy that dad changed my oil today before i came to work. he is so handy. i really wish that these girls would walk faster since i have to be in the back. i wonder how many cows it took to make all these cow pies out here. i love the smell of sagebrush. i love mountains. i am so blessed. why am i so lucky? i wonder if any of these girls are going to try and run away while we are out today. i wonder if we'll get to see the sun set from up there. i'm gonna miss this place.


as you can see i don't have the most focused mind. nevertheless, it does serve me well at times, and i got to have a delightsome conversation with one of the girls on the way up there about bullying and how it is a terrible thing and how she should stop. she agreed. this is a big deal coming from a girl who, when i started said things like; "i don't care about any body. i don't care how they feel. i won't ever be nice to anyone unless i feel like it." in our short conversation she saw the light in being charitable. i was so proud.

when we got up the mountain a ways there were some rocks that were perfect for sitting. so sit we did. and we had a group. we sat and took in deep breaths & the beautiful view, then threw rocks down the mountainside as far as we could while yelling things that we wanted to let go of. things that were bringing us down. it was empowering, a little bit ridiculous, a lot a bit loud, and totally and wonderfully healing. at least for me. i threw about six rocks and man did it feel good. [it also felt good knowing i didn't have a lot bringing me down].


we started to make our way down the mountain and then, just as i had hoped, the sun started to set in the western sky. i was breathless.

it only took a few moments for it to disappear behind the mountains in front of me. but i enjoyed every one of those moments.

i love my job. i love having the chance to make a positive difference in the lives of girls who need a role model. i love getting notes from them telling me how much i've helped them. i love working with the horses. i love the wide open spaces. i love the activities we do. i love that i may be making a difference by something i do or say every single day. i love the girls and i admire their fight. i love it all. mostly.


to say this week at work was eventful wouldn't do it justice. i'm telling you, there is n e v e r a dull moment. right when you think things are going smoothly, you are jerked sharply back to reality when another incident occurs.  and maybe a staff member has to go to the er. and maybe i have to work sixteen hours straight. and maybe i almost fall asleep on my drive home because i've been up for so long. but i love that i am kept on my toes at this place.


i am going to be sad to leave in a couple weeks, but i will always have the memories of my time here. i have so much love for the girls that i work with and all i want is for them to succeed. they have opened my eyes to how much help people really do need in this world, and they have opened my heart to a sincere compassion i didn't know i could feel.


i have learned so much from being here. and i hope that they have learned some from me as well. i hope that all of them take up a new sense of self confidence. i hope they all start to really believe in themselves. i hope that they all realize their worth. i hope they all come to know that they deserve whatever they are willing to work for. i hope they don't ever settle for less. i hope so much that they don't forget me, and they don't forget that at least one person out there truly cares.

and i hope that they never let the sunset before they take advantage of the opportunities every day has to offer.