unfortunately in life, we are always going to have ups & downs. there will always be good weeks [maybe even months] where you feel like you are on top of the world, where everything is going just perfectly and you feel like if you really set your mind to it--you could probably fly.

then, these weeks where happiness is abundant and your heart is full of courage, are followed with days or weeks where failure flourishes and success eludes you at every turn. coming out of these down times is when you really grow. it's in these not-so-great, almost-good-for-nothing times you are forced to look back at those dicisions that you made very hastily, those goodbyes you said so easily and think, "did i do the right thing?" sometimes this period of self-inquiry lasts longer than any happy, blessed person would like to admit, but it ends nontheless.

this has been me lately--as in the last couple of weeks or so. the last few months i have been excited, elated even, looking towards my future. i was forging full force ahead into the unknown with faith strapped on my back and a lot of love in my heart. then, suddenly, all my momentum came skidding to a stop. well, maybe that's a bit dramatic. i guess what happened was, i stopped looking ahead, and started to look around me. at first, i was absorbed in the beautiful things i saw; all of my blessings right there surrounding me that i was neglecting because i stopped enjoying the present and started to just wish and wish with my whole heart that the future would hurry the freak up. and i started feeling a little bit guilty. i mean wasn't my life good enough? weren't all these things i was doing and all these people that i had around me right now good enough? hmm...

so then, i decided to try and focus on what i have now and stop worrying so much about what i was waiting for. it went okay at first, but as i shared my hopes and wishes and dreams with people in the now, their sparkle started to diminish. many disparaging voices, both audible and internal started to attack those dreams which i had given so much of my attention to for so many weeks. there were so many unknowns, and doubts started to spring up. slowly, the shine i saw in my future started to dull, and it started to dim my present too. then, as a last resort, i turned around to look at my past, hoping it would offer me a glimmer of something. i didn't know what. bad idea.

maybe some of you can look back at your past and say, "hey! look at that! i barely even remember that! and i certainly don't still care!" but, I, unfortuantely am much more sentimental than that. sadly, as i started to think back on the people that i had so expressly cut out of my life, i felt a twinge of hunger in my heart for the love that they once showed for me, and for the care that we once shared for each other. i wondered if these old friends that had been such a big part of my life even thought about me, let alone cared about me. suddenly these feelings pushed out the faith and courage i had in my heart and i started to wonder, "what the heck am i doing?"

so then there were some long phone calls with my mother. some crying with my friend camille. a lot of extra praying. and one miraculous moment.

i promise the story gets better, and that it ends soon.

"when I read the book of mormon it creates miracles, it brings love."

i have been reading in third nephi, you see, and well Jesus says some pretty amazing things to the nephites in those chapters. and while nothing he was teaching them seemed to apply to the feelings i was having, as i read those words, those feelings began to leave. i read my scriptures pretty much everyday, so i wondered why reading hadn't helped before. then i realized, that i hadn't wanted it to help. i think that sometimes we get caught up in feeling sorry for ourselves. we justify our doubts and our fears by our past expereinces. we let what other people say or think about what we are doing shake our resolve, and we let ourselves take an extra long time to abandon those feelings of discouragement. we have to abandon them.

as i walked out of my house a few mornings ago after this expereince it was with restored faith and trust in what i was doing. i knew that the decisions i had made were right, and that i had every right to look forward to my future full of hope and excitement. i no longer cared if people in my past thought of me, or cared about me. i no longer worried about what people were saying about how they felt about my decisions. i once again trusted myself, and trusted the Lord. all this from reading a couple chapeters in the book of mormon? amazing.

being happy is a choice. trusting and having faith in God's plan for us, and that he really is guiding and directing each of us is a choice. taking in the positive and leaving out the negative is a choice. so i choose faith, not fear. i choose trust, not doubt.

i think the hardest part about trying to live your life by faith is letting go of wanting to be in control all the time. sometimes you don't need to know HOW things are going to work out, you just have to trust that they WILL. and i know they will. i know that i have been doing nothing but following my heart, and following the spirit as it guides me where Heavenly Father wants me to be. there will always be naysayers, but don't let them make you skeptical. people say to look before you jump. but if you know you're supposed to jump, and that there will be a giant bed of marshmellows at the bottom that will catch you [and also provide a delicious snack] then just jump! yep, that's right, don't even bother looking. don't look at the people pointing their fingers at you and telling you how silly you are to just leave everything behind based on...based on...based on so little in their eyes. don't look back. and don't look down with fear that those marshmellows down there are going to turn into glass shards at the last minute. listen to your heart, let love fill it up, pushing out all of the doubt. and jump. head first. leaving nothing behind.

"Faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow."

At every still moment, I almost always find myself reflecting on my decision to come back to church and how much it has blessed my life.  I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for orchestrating a way for this change to happen.  Some days I look back on all that has transpired and silently say a prayer of thanks to be in the place I am.

I have a great testimony of the strength that Christ provides you with if you but make the tiniest effort to try and do what is right.  Looking back at the beginning of my journey, I remember how impossible it seemed. I remember feeling completely hopeless about the task in front of me.  I had to change my entire life. I had to change how I thought about everything. I had to give up a lot. The very idea seemed unachievable.

I frequently ponder the prayers that I said during that time in my life, and how my sacrifices were met with blessings.  So many amazing people have come into my life since that very first day, and I know that because they had perviously chosen to follow Jesus Christ, they were in a position to be instruments in His hands to help me walk back to the path. I am so thankful that there are stronger people than me out there,that they are so willing to serve others, and that they think of themselves last, but surely not least. I know that without them, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't.

Neal A. Maxwell said in a talk given at a BYU Women's Conference a few years ago that, during the course of conversion we are well watched over. He says, "Mercifully, the whisperings of the Spirit nudge us along the path in an almost private process. Through it all we will need to be strong enough for ourselves but also strong enough to help others, because there will be immigrants arriving from Babylon—there will even be some defectors from the “great and spacious building” (1 Ne. 8:26)—and they need to encounter people like you."

This road hasn't always been easy, but it will always be worth it.  I strive to become like the people that helped me on my way, and I do all I can to try and help other's to come unto Christ. To feel of His love and to recognize all the tools that He has given us on this Earth to grow. I know that My Redeemer lives, and that He loves us. This knowledge has given me more peace & hope than I could have ever imagined, and nothing in this world is worth losing that.

I pray everyday that I may better serve Him. That in some small, totally insignificant way I may feebly attempt to pay back the debt that I owe--or don't owe for that matter (thanks to Him). That He may be proud that I am a disciple of His. I am far, far, far from perfect; but I am trying.

It is so nice to know that I don't have to compete.
My worth is not measured by how many people call me their friend, by how many guys give me attention, or by what other people think of me.
It doesn't matter how cute my clothes are, or how nice of a car I drive.
I am here because I am a child of God and I know that He loves me & watches over me.
I am all I am because of my family. They love me no matter what, and they are great examples to me.
My bishop once gave me a blessing when I was going through a r e a l l y hard time and in it he said, "may you be blessed with a deeper concern for what your Father in Heaven thinks than what others do, and may your choices not be affected by what your peers think of you."
I know that if I strive to keep His commandments, His promises to me will be kept. I have sacred covenants to keep, and I have been promised blessings in return.
It is so nice to know that all I have to do is be myself. I don't have to try and impress people, I don't have to "win." I just have to be kind & loving, meek & mild, and God will take care of everything for me.
There is a great peace that comes with knowing that He has everything under control, that I don't have to worry about what anyone else is doing or saying, I just have to worry about me.
Am I pleasing the Lord? Am I doing my best?

I have been made a precious promise--one that I hold close to my heart; that love & marriage will come "at the appropriate time and place." This is a weight lifted off my shoulders. 
I don't have to chase, I just have to wait patiently. Quietly doing what I know is right. I just have to let go and let God deal with it.
‎As Neal A, Maxwell once said, "Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity."
In other words, not everyone will love me, but I can strive to love everyone.
And also, Jesus commanded that we love everyone, and treat them kindly too. So this is what I strive to do.
Charity never failleth, and I am not scared anymore. Actually, I'm fearless. Faith has made me fearless.
I don't love with walls, I don't question and second guess.
I no longer assume that I am lied to and deceived. 
I trust with an open heart, I love with all I have, and I know that if I am deceived, if I am lied to; it is not my battle to fight, not my case to prove.
So when you say, "I love you." I believe you. I trust you. And I love you too.
There is a part of "My Banner Will Be Clear" that I recite in my head often. It says,

 "I no longer need preeminence, positions, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded."

I know that the promises that have been made to me are real. I know that God lives. 

I don't claim to be perfect, and I still have days where I have to remind myself of what is important and try and forget about what is not. 

I refuse to feel angry or jealous. I refuse to be worried and troubled. All these negative emotions keep me from helping others and keep me concentrating on myself. There is no glory in self-pity. 

So I give up. You win.

Madi & I waiting for the train

Ever since Madison and I started talking every single day, we have been waiting for the day that we could hang out again! One day we were talking and I just decided right then and there that I was coming to Utah to see her, so I bought a plane ticket.  We counted down the days for over a month and on May 12th the day finally arrived! With my bags packed, Kobee dropped me off at the airport and I flew to Salt Lake to come see Madison.  Although I was sad to say good-bye to Kobee, I was excited to come to Salt Lake!

I landed around 4:00 p.m. on that Thursday afternoon and Madison met me at the airport. I figured she would just pick me up outside, but to my surprise she was standing in the airport waiting for me :]  I was so happy to see her! We hugged for a long time, making the appropriate squealing noises, then just caught up and waited for my bags.  We then drove back to her house where we sat and talked, exchanged birthday gifts and ate dinner.  Her mom is a g r e a t cook so I was excited to dig into a homemade meal that I didn't have to prepare!


After dinner we ran to the store to rent a movie from the Redbox and get some Heaven on Earth, (aka Half Baked Ben & Jerry's ice cream).  When we got back to her house we got in our PJ's, gave each other facials and pedicures, and enjoyed our ice cream while we watched Unstoppable.  Nothing like a little Denzel Washington right before bed. :]


The next morning we got ready and headed to Layton Station to catch the Front Runner to Salt Lake City. For those of you that don't know, Unstoppable is about a run-away train, so it was pretty funny that we were getting on one after watching that movie the night before. 

When we got to the city we jumped on the other train, UTA Trax, and went to The Gateway Mall to do a little shopping. Madison got a bowl (it's a real treasure) from Anthropology, and we both got a "Wreck This Journal" from Urban Outfitters.  

It is a journal that basically gives you instructions on how to ruin it. Haha.  We ate lunch at Applebee's and then took Trax up to Temple Square.

Yummy :]

I was so excited to go see the Temple and just spend some time
at the Visitors Centers there. Everything was so beautiful :] it truly was a perfect day.  It was warm and there wasn't a cloud in the sky as we walked around the gorgeous grounds surrounding the temple.  

There were flowers in every direction and the trees and grass were so perfectly green.  I was mesmerized. While we were there we saw:

The Temple of course :]

The Famous Tabernacle and its organ...

The Conference Center

The Christus

At 4:30 we went and watched the new version of the Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration movie.  They changed it so that people who aren't members of the church can better understand the story.  The old version assumed that whoever was watching already had a lot of knowledge about church history.  As always, the movie was amazing. I can't imagine the scorn that came Joseph's way as he proclaimed that he had seen a vision, and I gained a deep gratitude for the early Saints and their strength.  They were badly persecuted, but they continued to build up the Church and many of them sacrificed almost all they had and moved West when the time came.  The story of the Church is such a testament to me that God is watching over us all and helping us to do the things that need to be done on this Earth.  With out His help I know that the Church never would have lasted.


After the movie Madison and I walked over to Deseret Book to meet my mom who was in town for a doctor's appointment.  She was going to Pleasant Grove to my aunt's and that is where we wanted to go so she came and picked us up.  Lucky me, she bought me new scriptures while we were there too :) yay!

That's right ;)

We got to my aunt's house and hung out for a little bit, but then left to go to a concert. Oh yeah, funny story: so Madison (my best friend) is now dating my cousin Jaxon.  That is why we were going down there really, so that they could hang out:] so a huge group of us went to a concert/block party at Provo Town Square.  It was really fun. A few bands played (including J.Wride and Vibrant Sound), and Sammy's provided free hot dogs for everyone. We had a blast and got to dance a lot.

After the concert we went to In-N-Out to grab some food, and then we went to Ricky's house, one of Jaxon's friends that we were with.  He plays the guitar and sings, so we just sat and listened to him for a while, I ended up singing with him a little bit too.  It was really fun.  He is really talented.

Once Ricky ran out of songs to sing us, at about midnight, we headed back to Jaxon's and c r a s h e d after our long day! It was fun but totally exhausting. I was so happy to get to see my family and spend some good quality time with Madison! Oh how I missed that lady!! :]

That very first weekend after I decided to go back to church (end of February--ish), I was feeling discouraged and alone. Although it was a fleeting thought, I was tempted to give up some days. One day a very wise woman (Madison), told me that I should go to the temple and just sit right inside the doors to read my scriptures.

I decided that this was a good idea, so I drove up to the temple in Reno and took some pictures before I went inside.


Here are the pictures I took:

Once inside, I felt peaceful and calm as I began to read in 2 Nephi.  In chapter 2 I got to verse 24 and was deeply touched as I read these words: "But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things." I was once again reassured that my Heavenly Father knew me, and loved me. His plan is a perfect one.

"You are never lost when you can see the temple. The temple will provide direction for you and your family in a world filled with chaos. It is an eternal guidepost which will help you from getting lost in the 'mist of darkness.'" - Gary E. Stevenson

Going up to the temple helped me to remember what matters most, and I gained the strength that I needed to continue on the path that I had chosen, despite how hard it seemed.

As I started this Spring semester at the University of Nevada I found everyday a struggle.  I had recently been kicked out of my apartment by two of my closest "friends," my boyfriend broke up with me, and everything that I had relied on to make me happy was ripped out from under me.  I found myself in a new apartment with pretty much a complete stranger, hundreds of miles from home, and for the first time in my life I felt homesick.

The days seemed to drag on and on.  I would randomly burst into tears about every ten minutes, I was sad, and lonely and I tried everything (very recklessly) to try and make myself feel better, but nothing worked.

I had never experienced this kind of sadness before.  I have always been a really happy person and never had a problem picking myself up, but this time, I just couldn't.  I couldn't eat because my throat felt so tight that every time I tried to swallow I felt like I would throw up.  I had a constant, wrenching pain in my stomach; it felt as if I had a hole there that throbbed with a constant aching pain all the time.  The only thing that made this pain go away was running, but since I couldn't eat, that wasn't very effective.  I felt dizzy all the time, and I was scared. 

After a couple weeks of this, in early February, I was really nervous. I called my mom and asked her to please come and see me that weekend, thinking that this would definitely make me feel better.  Although her presence and loving arms helped a little, I still didn't feel okay.  When she left, everything went back to exactly how it was before, and I was miserable.

As everyone knows, when you break up with someone it is never a clean break, so for the first part of February my relationship went back and forth.  I was torn apart by this roller-coaster ride of emotional ups & downs, never knowing who to trust, not even trusting myself.  On February 19th my boyfriend broke up with me for the fourth time in one month--maybe that is my fault, but I was once again devastated.  I was so hurt, and I felt rejected and alone.

I started wondering why I was even alive, I knew I was in school and I was getting good grades but I wondered what the point of any of it was. I felt like I was living in a whirlwind, nothing made sense, and everything felt completely out of control. My thoughts started to scare me... and so I offered up a simple prayer.  I asked my Heavenly Father to please, please take this feeling away from me.  To please allow me to let go of my ex-boyfriend, to strengthen me, and to comfort me.  Every time I prayed I kept seeing the same thing in the back of my head.  It was the Institute of Religion building on campus.  I had driven by it and knew where it was, I think I even walked through there on a bad day when I first got to school, but I had never spent much time there.  Every time I would pray I would get really angry that the feelings of sadness I was having would not go away, and that I kept seeing that s t u p i d building in my head! I would basically say to myself, "alright give me something else because I am not going there...I refuse."

The Picture of Christ

After a couple days of this--praying and getting the same answer--I decided to go.  It was a Wednesday morning and I was sitting in my Core Humanities class with tears streaming down my face.  I was counting the minutes down until my class was over and immediately I got out of my chair and headed for the institute building. It seemed that I couldn't get there fast enough, and as I opened the doors and stepped inside I knew why. I turned to my left, and there a giant picture of Christ hung on the wall above the couch in the foyer. Immediately that hopeless, sick, tormented feeling inside me just disappeared.  I was left with a peace inside of my heart and a sure knowledge that everything would be okay.

To me, this was a bigger miracle than the parting of the Red Sea. I had tried tirelessly to lift myself up, to try and tell myself that everything would be okay, to comfort myself, and nothing worked.  There was a power beyond my own that came into my heart and reassured me that everything would be okay, that everything was just as it should be, and that comforted me.  I know that this comfort came from the Holy Ghost. I know that only he can offer that kind of peacefulness and calm to my soul, and at that moment I knew that everything I had been told my whole life about my Heavenly Father and His plan for us was true.

Then and there I decided that I would do anything to keep that peace in my heart.  No sacrifice became too great, nothing else seemed more appealing than that simple peace I had received. I sat in the institute building for hours, no one knew me (and I am pretty sure they thought I was some psycho). I sat there as the tears kept pouring down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I was so grateful that I could not stop crying, and I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to lose that peace.  I ended up going to a class that day, and as we sang the opening hymn I couldn't utter one word without bursting into tears yet again.  I don't remember what hymn it was, but I do remember it saying something about coming unto the Savior.

As I pondered the meaning of the words that were being sung, I started wondering if Christ was feeling as rejected by me as I was by my ex-boyfriend.  Just as I was so willing to just be with him and love him, Christ has always been there, willing to forgive me of all my sins, to save me from my sorrows, and to let me feel of his unconditional, everlasting love for me. This thought made my heart hurt as I thought of all the times that I had let Him down, of all the people that I had hurt, of all the pain that my choices had brought to myself, and of the suffering that He had to bear for all of those moments when I was hurting.  All my pain and heartbreak--He felt it, and it would not have ever existed if I had just simply followed God's plan for me.

Later that day I went home and called my mom.  I cried as I told her how much I missed my ex-boyfriend, of how I didn't know what I was going to do without him...she only said to me, "Keisha, you just need to get your priorities straight.  We had a lesson in family home evening about priorities on Monday and your first priority should always be to, 'First, seek ye the Kingdom of God.'"  We had many conversations like this one, every time I complained about anything she would pretty much say something like this to me, so I threw some smart remark back at her and told her how I had gone to institute that day.  She was a little impressed but she didn't let it get her hopes up since she had been struggling for two years to try and get me to do the right thing.  She only said, "Remember Keisha, 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.' - Proverbs 3:5-6"  

I was still upset, but I posted this verse as my status on Facebook. Right after I posted it Madison "liked" it...and then I suddenly remembered that for some reason I had been thinking about Madison a lot the past couple of weeks.  It was strange because I hadn't seen her in two years, and we hadn't really kept in touch, even over Facebook.  All of the sudden I had a very strong prompting that I needed to talk to her, so I messaged her my number and asked her to call me.

Not even five minutes later my phone started ringing and I knew that Madison was on the other line.  I just remember her saying, "what's up babe?" and I immediately burst into tears.  I preceded to tell her the details about my recently ended relationship and, and she told me of her own four year relationship and she had to let go of in order to do what she knew was right. We talked for hours and hours, and I told her all about that day and how I had felt. At the end of our conversation she basically said, "so what are you going to do about it?"

It was then that I decided I would call my bishop, I would make things right, and I would find my way back to the person I knew that I was. The very next day I talked to my bishop before I could talk myself out of it, and I started to change my direction. The entire life that I had built since I went to Reno had to change.  I thought that it would be impossible, I didn't know anyone that went to church, I had to give up so much, and I didn't know if I could do it. I know now, without a doubt, that the Lord has provided ways for us to do the things that we need to do in order to be closer to him and do his work. Everything that happened to me helped to humble me so that I was in a place where I would seek Him.  People that have come into my life and become a big part of it, particularly Madison, have been placed in my life for a very specific purpose.

My once "stranger" of a roommate became a good friend and she supported me in my decision to change my life.  I know that if I had been living where I was before I would not have been in an environment where my change would have been accepted or supported.

The last three months have been hard, but I am happier than I have been since I can remember.  I have found a new friend in Madison and because our friendship has been built upon the gospel, I can feel how much that strengthens it.  I am learning that everything needs to be built upon the gospel if you want it to last.

I was raised with a great and empowering knowledge that I am a child of God who loves me, and I forgot that.  I forgot that "I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission which I will strive to fulfill." My actions were not coherent with what I knew to be true about life, about God's plan, and about myself. I know that God watches over us and directs our paths.  I know that if it were not for Him I would probably not be here right now, and I now know that His plan is the only one that can bring true and lasting peace and happiness.

I am excited to continually serve Him; to "take upon me the name of [His] son," and be a disciple of Jesus Christ.  I am far from perfect. I have a lot left to do in this life, but I have a strong desire to follow Him.  I know that Christ lives, I know that he loves us.   I know that he died for the sins of the world that all may be saved if they believe on His name and are baptized. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children and that if we follow his plan we will be happy.