unfortunately in life, we are always going to have ups & downs. there will always be good weeks [maybe even months] where you feel like you are on top of the world, where everything is going just perfectly and you feel like if you really set your mind to it--you could probably fly.

then, these weeks where happiness is abundant and your heart is full of courage, are followed with days or weeks where failure flourishes and success eludes you at every turn. coming out of these down times is when you really grow. it's in these not-so-great, almost-good-for-nothing times you are forced to look back at those dicisions that you made very hastily, those goodbyes you said so easily and think, "did i do the right thing?" sometimes this period of self-inquiry lasts longer than any happy, blessed person would like to admit, but it ends nontheless.

this has been me lately--as in the last couple of weeks or so. the last few months i have been excited, elated even, looking towards my future. i was forging full force ahead into the unknown with faith strapped on my back and a lot of love in my heart. then, suddenly, all my momentum came skidding to a stop. well, maybe that's a bit dramatic. i guess what happened was, i stopped looking ahead, and started to look around me. at first, i was absorbed in the beautiful things i saw; all of my blessings right there surrounding me that i was neglecting because i stopped enjoying the present and started to just wish and wish with my whole heart that the future would hurry the freak up. and i started feeling a little bit guilty. i mean wasn't my life good enough? weren't all these things i was doing and all these people that i had around me right now good enough? hmm...

so then, i decided to try and focus on what i have now and stop worrying so much about what i was waiting for. it went okay at first, but as i shared my hopes and wishes and dreams with people in the now, their sparkle started to diminish. many disparaging voices, both audible and internal started to attack those dreams which i had given so much of my attention to for so many weeks. there were so many unknowns, and doubts started to spring up. slowly, the shine i saw in my future started to dull, and it started to dim my present too. then, as a last resort, i turned around to look at my past, hoping it would offer me a glimmer of something. i didn't know what. bad idea.

maybe some of you can look back at your past and say, "hey! look at that! i barely even remember that! and i certainly don't still care!" but, I, unfortuantely am much more sentimental than that. sadly, as i started to think back on the people that i had so expressly cut out of my life, i felt a twinge of hunger in my heart for the love that they once showed for me, and for the care that we once shared for each other. i wondered if these old friends that had been such a big part of my life even thought about me, let alone cared about me. suddenly these feelings pushed out the faith and courage i had in my heart and i started to wonder, "what the heck am i doing?"

so then there were some long phone calls with my mother. some crying with my friend camille. a lot of extra praying. and one miraculous moment.

i promise the story gets better, and that it ends soon.

"when I read the book of mormon it creates miracles, it brings love."

i have been reading in third nephi, you see, and well Jesus says some pretty amazing things to the nephites in those chapters. and while nothing he was teaching them seemed to apply to the feelings i was having, as i read those words, those feelings began to leave. i read my scriptures pretty much everyday, so i wondered why reading hadn't helped before. then i realized, that i hadn't wanted it to help. i think that sometimes we get caught up in feeling sorry for ourselves. we justify our doubts and our fears by our past expereinces. we let what other people say or think about what we are doing shake our resolve, and we let ourselves take an extra long time to abandon those feelings of discouragement. we have to abandon them.

as i walked out of my house a few mornings ago after this expereince it was with restored faith and trust in what i was doing. i knew that the decisions i had made were right, and that i had every right to look forward to my future full of hope and excitement. i no longer cared if people in my past thought of me, or cared about me. i no longer worried about what people were saying about how they felt about my decisions. i once again trusted myself, and trusted the Lord. all this from reading a couple chapeters in the book of mormon? amazing.

being happy is a choice. trusting and having faith in God's plan for us, and that he really is guiding and directing each of us is a choice. taking in the positive and leaving out the negative is a choice. so i choose faith, not fear. i choose trust, not doubt.

i think the hardest part about trying to live your life by faith is letting go of wanting to be in control all the time. sometimes you don't need to know HOW things are going to work out, you just have to trust that they WILL. and i know they will. i know that i have been doing nothing but following my heart, and following the spirit as it guides me where Heavenly Father wants me to be. there will always be naysayers, but don't let them make you skeptical. people say to look before you jump. but if you know you're supposed to jump, and that there will be a giant bed of marshmellows at the bottom that will catch you [and also provide a delicious snack] then just jump! yep, that's right, don't even bother looking. don't look at the people pointing their fingers at you and telling you how silly you are to just leave everything behind based on...based on...based on so little in their eyes. don't look back. and don't look down with fear that those marshmellows down there are going to turn into glass shards at the last minute. listen to your heart, let love fill it up, pushing out all of the doubt. and jump. head first. leaving nothing behind.

I think that’s the title of a really bad movie about Reno that I have never seen because I heard it was really, terribly awful...

Anyway.

I woke up in Reno on August 22, 2011. And since then, well: I’ve scrubbed down my apartment (I’m talking really deep cleaning, you guys); unpacked; finished all my laundry; washed, vacuumed, and ArmorAll-ed my car; successfully registered for classes last minute—again; stocked my fridge; spent a lot of time with Jen; celebrated Cambria’s birthday; gone to several church activities; met a new best-friend-to-be (JoyceAnn); and successfully made an address change with the missionary so that I have received “letters on letters” this week.

Mostly though, I have been thinking a lot. Because I’m pretty much completely different from how I was when left Reno. So coming back is tricky. I’ve learned in one short week that you can’t let go & still hold on. Even a little. I’ve learned that you can’t walk the edge for very long unless you really wanna fall. And I’ve learned that sometimes the past is only the past if you leave it there.

Only sometimes it isn’t your choice. And sometimes your past comes back and bites you. Sometimes it stops you from taking a course in your life that you really wanted to take—like maybe going on a mission. And the answer is, “no.” That’s when your past is fresh in your mind. And your guilt is hammered into your heart once again. And the tears fall freely down your cheeks. And you remember again how truly sorry you are. And how bad you wish you could take it all back, but you can’t. And you wish you could call that missionary, but you can’t. And you wish you could just start over, but you can’t. 


The only thing you can do is stand up, wipe your eyes, turn around, and walk. And keep walking. And maybe even run. You can leave that past far, far, far away from your present. You can keep growing. You can keep moving forward. You can pray. You can read that amazing book. You can be a missionary here. But really, the only thing you can do is just try to be better than your past.

It is official. This is serious.

I was on the phone twice today and both times after being told "thank you," I responded not with you're welcome, but with some other nonchalant phrase. And in one case not even actual words but a NOISE. Mhmm?? When did that happen?


Am I that person with no manners that everyone kind of pauses after they speak to and thinks, okay... But then doesn't really say anything because we live in a world where manners aren't really expected anymore? That doesn't mean that they shouldn't be expected or taught, I will teach my kids to be polite and I thought I was polite. [Then again I thought I was a lot of things that other people seem to think I am not]. But anyway, back to the question. Am I that person!?


This is disconcerting to me. I want to express to people when I help them and get thanked for it that it really wasn't a big deal, that I love to serve others and help out. That their phone call didn't interrupt anything terribly important and I actually enjoyed our exchange on the phone even if it was just relaying information to them about the whereabouts of my parents. That they are welcome!

When did I stop saying you're welcome? 

And so, this is a new goal to add to my list: say "you're welcome" when someone tells you thank you.

I don't think that I ever would have thought of this as a problem, except today my great uncle Roger, who I adore, called the house. After a briefing of our activities for the day and promising him that I would give his message to my grandpa he said, "thank you, dear" and I said, "mhmm, bye." Hello!? This is my 80 something-year-old great uncle!? Who grew up in a time when you tipped your hats at ladies when they walked in a room, gave up your seat for any woman who was standing, opened every door for women--even if you didn't know them, and expected manners! I was so disappointed in myself.

Manners. Being polite. Being more thoughtful of the words that come out of my mouth--or lack thereof. Yes, let the challenge begin.

at work on saturday we went for a hike. while we walked across the valley and started our ascent up the mountain side i thought about life, of course. there is something about being in the middle of nowhere that makes your mind ponder life.


here are some things i thought:


i hate when things (dirt, very small rocks, weeds, etc.) get in your shoes when you are walking. hate it. i am so happy that dad changed my oil today before i came to work. he is so handy. i really wish that these girls would walk faster since i have to be in the back. i wonder how many cows it took to make all these cow pies out here. i love the smell of sagebrush. i love mountains. i am so blessed. why am i so lucky? i wonder if any of these girls are going to try and run away while we are out today. i wonder if we'll get to see the sun set from up there. i'm gonna miss this place.


as you can see i don't have the most focused mind. nevertheless, it does serve me well at times, and i got to have a delightsome conversation with one of the girls on the way up there about bullying and how it is a terrible thing and how she should stop. she agreed. this is a big deal coming from a girl who, when i started said things like; "i don't care about any body. i don't care how they feel. i won't ever be nice to anyone unless i feel like it." in our short conversation she saw the light in being charitable. i was so proud.

when we got up the mountain a ways there were some rocks that were perfect for sitting. so sit we did. and we had a group. we sat and took in deep breaths & the beautiful view, then threw rocks down the mountainside as far as we could while yelling things that we wanted to let go of. things that were bringing us down. it was empowering, a little bit ridiculous, a lot a bit loud, and totally and wonderfully healing. at least for me. i threw about six rocks and man did it feel good. [it also felt good knowing i didn't have a lot bringing me down].


we started to make our way down the mountain and then, just as i had hoped, the sun started to set in the western sky. i was breathless.

it only took a few moments for it to disappear behind the mountains in front of me. but i enjoyed every one of those moments.

i love my job. i love having the chance to make a positive difference in the lives of girls who need a role model. i love getting notes from them telling me how much i've helped them. i love working with the horses. i love the wide open spaces. i love the activities we do. i love that i may be making a difference by something i do or say every single day. i love the girls and i admire their fight. i love it all. mostly.


to say this week at work was eventful wouldn't do it justice. i'm telling you, there is n e v e r a dull moment. right when you think things are going smoothly, you are jerked sharply back to reality when another incident occurs.  and maybe a staff member has to go to the er. and maybe i have to work sixteen hours straight. and maybe i almost fall asleep on my drive home because i've been up for so long. but i love that i am kept on my toes at this place.


i am going to be sad to leave in a couple weeks, but i will always have the memories of my time here. i have so much love for the girls that i work with and all i want is for them to succeed. they have opened my eyes to how much help people really do need in this world, and they have opened my heart to a sincere compassion i didn't know i could feel.


i have learned so much from being here. and i hope that they have learned some from me as well. i hope that all of them take up a new sense of self confidence. i hope they all start to really believe in themselves. i hope that they all realize their worth. i hope they all come to know that they deserve whatever they are willing to work for. i hope they don't ever settle for less. i hope so much that they don't forget me, and they don't forget that at least one person out there truly cares.

and i hope that they never let the sunset before they take advantage of the opportunities every day has to offer.

"Faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow."

At every still moment, I almost always find myself reflecting on my decision to come back to church and how much it has blessed my life.  I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for orchestrating a way for this change to happen.  Some days I look back on all that has transpired and silently say a prayer of thanks to be in the place I am.

I have a great testimony of the strength that Christ provides you with if you but make the tiniest effort to try and do what is right.  Looking back at the beginning of my journey, I remember how impossible it seemed. I remember feeling completely hopeless about the task in front of me.  I had to change my entire life. I had to change how I thought about everything. I had to give up a lot. The very idea seemed unachievable.

I frequently ponder the prayers that I said during that time in my life, and how my sacrifices were met with blessings.  So many amazing people have come into my life since that very first day, and I know that because they had perviously chosen to follow Jesus Christ, they were in a position to be instruments in His hands to help me walk back to the path. I am so thankful that there are stronger people than me out there,that they are so willing to serve others, and that they think of themselves last, but surely not least. I know that without them, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't.

Neal A. Maxwell said in a talk given at a BYU Women's Conference a few years ago that, during the course of conversion we are well watched over. He says, "Mercifully, the whisperings of the Spirit nudge us along the path in an almost private process. Through it all we will need to be strong enough for ourselves but also strong enough to help others, because there will be immigrants arriving from Babylon—there will even be some defectors from the “great and spacious building” (1 Ne. 8:26)—and they need to encounter people like you."

This road hasn't always been easy, but it will always be worth it.  I strive to become like the people that helped me on my way, and I do all I can to try and help other's to come unto Christ. To feel of His love and to recognize all the tools that He has given us on this Earth to grow. I know that My Redeemer lives, and that He loves us. This knowledge has given me more peace & hope than I could have ever imagined, and nothing in this world is worth losing that.

I pray everyday that I may better serve Him. That in some small, totally insignificant way I may feebly attempt to pay back the debt that I owe--or don't owe for that matter (thanks to Him). That He may be proud that I am a disciple of His. I am far, far, far from perfect; but I am trying.

It is so nice to know that I don't have to compete.
My worth is not measured by how many people call me their friend, by how many guys give me attention, or by what other people think of me.
It doesn't matter how cute my clothes are, or how nice of a car I drive.
I am here because I am a child of God and I know that He loves me & watches over me.
I am all I am because of my family. They love me no matter what, and they are great examples to me.
My bishop once gave me a blessing when I was going through a r e a l l y hard time and in it he said, "may you be blessed with a deeper concern for what your Father in Heaven thinks than what others do, and may your choices not be affected by what your peers think of you."
I know that if I strive to keep His commandments, His promises to me will be kept. I have sacred covenants to keep, and I have been promised blessings in return.
It is so nice to know that all I have to do is be myself. I don't have to try and impress people, I don't have to "win." I just have to be kind & loving, meek & mild, and God will take care of everything for me.
There is a great peace that comes with knowing that He has everything under control, that I don't have to worry about what anyone else is doing or saying, I just have to worry about me.
Am I pleasing the Lord? Am I doing my best?

I have been made a precious promise--one that I hold close to my heart; that love & marriage will come "at the appropriate time and place." This is a weight lifted off my shoulders. 
I don't have to chase, I just have to wait patiently. Quietly doing what I know is right. I just have to let go and let God deal with it.
‎As Neal A, Maxwell once said, "Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity."
In other words, not everyone will love me, but I can strive to love everyone.
And also, Jesus commanded that we love everyone, and treat them kindly too. So this is what I strive to do.
Charity never failleth, and I am not scared anymore. Actually, I'm fearless. Faith has made me fearless.
I don't love with walls, I don't question and second guess.
I no longer assume that I am lied to and deceived. 
I trust with an open heart, I love with all I have, and I know that if I am deceived, if I am lied to; it is not my battle to fight, not my case to prove.
So when you say, "I love you." I believe you. I trust you. And I love you too.
There is a part of "My Banner Will Be Clear" that I recite in my head often. It says,

 "I no longer need preeminence, positions, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded."

I know that the promises that have been made to me are real. I know that God lives. 

I don't claim to be perfect, and I still have days where I have to remind myself of what is important and try and forget about what is not. 

I refuse to feel angry or jealous. I refuse to be worried and troubled. All these negative emotions keep me from helping others and keep me concentrating on myself. There is no glory in self-pity. 

So I give up. You win.

Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different.  
- Katherine Mansfield

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS:

Sunday, June 18th

When I got home from Lava I had to drive straight out to work.  My shift was from 10pm-6am. I was less than excited. The whole time I was there I was wishing I had gotten to take a long nap that day. Sooo tired.

Thursday, June 23rd

I had to go to the dentist and I had 4 hours of work done on me... Not fun. I was pretty upset and it sucked so bad being numb all that time after. And to top it off we drove all the way to Reno from the ranch and back overnight to do it. Not a fun trip.

Saturday, June 25th

Not a fun day for me. At all. :(

Sunday, June 26th

Ahhh. Sunday at last!! I never knew how much I was missing by not going to church every week. I feel so much more fulfilled by going, and I am constantly reminded of how much I have and how much I take for granted. Sunday, while I sat in church I realized that I can't continue to look at the bad things in every situation.  I looked back on things that happened and found myself concentrating on everything that went wrong, and everything that didn't happen, instead of dwelling on the things that I loved, and all the fun stuff that did happen.

Sunday I made a resolution to be more positive.  I decided that I needed to make a greater effort to look on the bright side.   If you have negative thoughts, you attract negative feelings and experiences, and I was sick of it.  So now, I keep a smile on my face, I keep my heart light, and I keep my focus forward. Part of living the gospel is trusting that the Lord really does know what is best and really will take care of you.  As long as you are doing what you are supposed to be, things will always be okay.