unfortunately in life, we are always going to have ups & downs. there will always be good weeks [maybe even months] where you feel like you are on top of the world, where everything is going just perfectly and you feel like if you really set your mind to it--you could probably fly.
then, these weeks where happiness is abundant and your heart is full of courage, are followed with days or weeks where failure flourishes and success eludes you at every turn. coming out of these down times is when you really grow. it's in these not-so-great, almost-good-for-nothing times you are forced to look back at those dicisions that you made very hastily, those goodbyes you said so easily and think, "did i do the right thing?" sometimes this period of self-inquiry lasts longer than any happy, blessed person would like to admit, but it ends nontheless.
this has been me lately--as in the last couple of weeks or so. the last few months i have been excited, elated even, looking towards my future. i was forging full force ahead into the unknown with faith strapped on my back and a lot of love in my heart. then, suddenly, all my momentum came skidding to a stop. well, maybe that's a bit dramatic. i guess what happened was, i stopped looking ahead, and started to look around me. at first, i was absorbed in the beautiful things i saw; all of my blessings right there surrounding me that i was neglecting because i stopped enjoying the present and started to just wish and wish with my whole heart that the future would hurry the freak up. and i started feeling a little bit guilty. i mean wasn't my life good enough? weren't all these things i was doing and all these people that i had around me right now good enough? hmm...
so then, i decided to try and focus on what i have now and stop worrying so much about what i was waiting for. it went okay at first, but as i shared my hopes and wishes and dreams with people in the now, their sparkle started to diminish. many disparaging voices, both audible and internal started to attack those dreams which i had given so much of my attention to for so many weeks. there were so many unknowns, and doubts started to spring up. slowly, the shine i saw in my future started to dull, and it started to dim my present too. then, as a last resort, i turned around to look at my past, hoping it would offer me a glimmer of something. i didn't know what. bad idea.
maybe some of you can look back at your past and say, "hey! look at that! i barely even remember that! and i certainly don't still care!" but, I, unfortuantely am much more sentimental than that. sadly, as i started to think back on the people that i had so expressly cut out of my life, i felt a twinge of hunger in my heart for the love that they once showed for me, and for the care that we once shared for each other. i wondered if these old friends that had been such a big part of my life even thought about me, let alone cared about me. suddenly these feelings pushed out the faith and courage i had in my heart and i started to wonder, "what the heck am i doing?"
so then there were some long phone calls with my mother. some crying with my friend camille. a lot of extra praying. and one miraculous moment.
i promise the story gets better, and that it ends soon.
"when I read the book of mormon it creates miracles, it brings love."
i have been reading in third nephi, you see, and well Jesus says some pretty amazing things to the nephites in those chapters. and while nothing he was teaching them seemed to apply to the feelings i was having, as i read those words, those feelings began to leave. i read my scriptures pretty much everyday, so i wondered why reading hadn't helped before. then i realized, that i hadn't wanted it to help. i think that sometimes we get caught up in feeling sorry for ourselves. we justify our doubts and our fears by our past expereinces. we let what other people say or think about what we are doing shake our resolve, and we let ourselves take an extra long time to abandon those feelings of discouragement. we have to abandon them.
as i walked out of my house a few mornings ago after this expereince it was with restored faith and trust in what i was doing. i knew that the decisions i had made were right, and that i had every right to look forward to my future full of hope and excitement. i no longer cared if people in my past thought of me, or cared about me. i no longer worried about what people were saying about how they felt about my decisions. i once again trusted myself, and trusted the Lord. all this from reading a couple chapeters in the book of mormon? amazing.
being happy is a choice. trusting and having faith in God's plan for us, and that he really is guiding and directing each of us is a choice. taking in the positive and leaving out the negative is a choice. so i choose faith, not fear. i choose trust, not doubt.
i think the hardest part about trying to live your life by faith is letting go of wanting to be in control all the time. sometimes you don't need to know HOW things are going to work out, you just have to trust that they WILL. and i know they will. i know that i have been doing nothing but following my heart, and following the spirit as it guides me where Heavenly Father wants me to be. there will always be naysayers, but don't let them make you skeptical. people say to look before you jump. but if you know you're supposed to jump, and that there will be a giant bed of marshmellows at the bottom that will catch you [and also provide a delicious snack] then just jump! yep, that's right, don't even bother looking. don't look at the people pointing their fingers at you and telling you how silly you are to just leave everything behind based on...based on...based on so little in their eyes. don't look back. and don't look down with fear that those marshmellows down there are going to turn into glass shards at the last minute. listen to your heart, let love fill it up, pushing out all of the doubt. and jump. head first. leaving nothing behind.
